3. I want to die.

I want to die.

I've felt the same way for a while. Hell, today is one of the worst nights I've felt in a while? Why? I don't know. I feel like I have so much to get off my chest, yet, I have no one to speak to. Ive distances myself so much lately that I have no one. Sure, I work full time, I go to college full time. Decent job, busy work, surrounded by hundreds of people. But I feel absolutely NO connection to anyone anymore. Not even my closest friends. Not my family. Hell, tonight, because of my DPDR making me feel like I'm retarded - not to mean it offensively, only towards myself, during biology lab today I felt useless. I had two exams today, and one class I skipped out on. I just can't do it anymore. This doubt - this unknowing - do I really want to finish out this major? Did I jump in too quickly? Why am i going for this degree again, I'm waaayy too dumb for Nursing!! My ambitions are waaay too big for me - everything, lately, well - for a while, had just seemed way too much. I feel like there's too much that people want from me.. I want to feel happy that I'm trying to peruse a new a career, I want to be happy at work, I want to make friends with people, I want to love people, I want to connect, I want to be warm and giggly an joyous, I want to feel that I can keep going on Scott free, I want to feel fucking human again!! I'm sick of drifting, I'm sick of just simply existing, I'm sick of wanting to WANT to feel these things, in sick of trying to ATTEMPT to and failing each time! I'm sick of the struggle, I'm sick of my mind, I'm sick of this wod, I'm sick of people, I'm sick of school, I'm sick of work.... I'm just sick.. And I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I want to feel everything, I want to feel nothing. I don't want to feel what I use to in the past - my horrible awful past.. I want to feel something, I'm sick of faking.. I'm sick of not knowing what I'm going to do, to "feel", to pretend, every day of my life.... Nothing is real, there is no warmth in my soul... I hate life, I hate myself, I hate feeling this way... I long, every day of my life, that when I'm driving my Mercury down the road, to work at 6 every morning, that a god damn semi come barrelling into me at fool speed. I dream that I drop dead o a heart attack. I dream that some random douche with a gun will shoot me in the head. I'm too chicken shit to kill myself, but I just don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to exsist. Im sick of suffering in silence. I'm sick, so sick... I could go on and on, oh boy I have so much to say... Ohhh boooy, soo much... So yes, I know how it feels... But you know what the shitty thing is? I keep going on. Why?? I don't know...

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14 and I’ve given up hope Bored of living the same day over and over I feel i’m not good enough.. 23M: The reason I smoke is because I can't imagine living until I'm old it's normal still depressed even taking meds? I can't escape it i just wish i wasn’t on this earth job hunting with depression Wish I had no one that would miss me. one of the worst feelings is when you realise you are not missed Does deep trauma ever really leave? I’m 19 and have been completely isolated for years Every day feels like it is going to be my last. TW: suicidal ideation. When you realize you already made it past your *expiration date* you created for yourself months ago and you don’t know how to feel. How does one cope with an endless amount of bad luck and tragedies?

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