I got divorced a couple of years ago, and started on a weird process that is now resulting in me deciding my parents are N. I am not saying your path will be the same as mine, but I will tell you how I made decisions at the time and how that worked out.

At the time I got separated, I never would have called my ex an N, it wasn't on my radar. I did identify him as abusive. There was some physical abuse, but it wasn't hitting, so I don't really mention that to people because it muddies the waters. I read a couple of books about verbal abuse, which are both geared towards women, unfortunately. "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft and a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

I started reading about Ns because of someone else in my life that was N...I won't even go into that relationship because it will drag us off into side issues. Suffice to say this person is CLASSIC N. Constant pity party, wanting to consume all of my time and attention talking at me but not listening to anything I say, insanely controlling, constant demands and wanting me to be like a servant to her. Constant lies, emotional blackmail and manipulation - nothing honest ever comes out of this person's mouth. That's what got me started thinking about Ns. But I'm getting ahead of the story here.

All I knew about my husband was that he was abusive and that if I ever tried to talk to him about what was wrong in our marriage, he would immediately say that my feelings were wrong and bad, and possibly escalate to yelling/berating. After the separation, he sort of offered to work on things, demanding that I move back in and make a "commitment" to trying. Which was weird because I had never said I wanted to work on anything. I didn't want to string him along. I was done with the marriage. Even if a counselor could have shown him the error of his ways, I couldn't see him really putting it into practice, and I'd resent that I'd had to hold divorce over his head to do it. I wanted to be with someone who WANTS to share with me, do things with me, etc. Our marriage had deteriorated to basically me having a roommate that wasn't very nice to me. I didn't want to MAKE him do stuff, I wanted him to want to be with me.

But, I reasoned, there was nothing to keep him from working on himself. If I wouldn't try to induce him into seeing a psych or counselor by making some kind of promise, he would still have free will and nothing stopping him from doing so without me. I wasn't stopping him from trying to get me back and work on his issues, I just wasn't going to MAKE him do it.

Of course he didn't. He still claims to be "blindsided" by the divorce...in typical N fashion, him choosing not to listen to me is the same thing as me not giving him the information.

Since then, I've realized that my ex and my dad are classic, stereotypical Ns, although my ex is actually much less toxic than my parents and would probably be salvageable with some therapy. My mom is what probably most people around here would call a covert N, and by far the most toxic, hateful and poisonous person, and probably the most self-aware of how hateful she is. She is the martyr type and not outwardly grandiose...she keeps the focus on the sins of my dad and others in the family so you don't notice how toxic she is.

My parents were completely unsupportive in the divorce, basically just never returning my phone calls or checking in. So I didn't have an issue of whether to confide in them. Most of my friends were maybe not Ns, but selfish and toxic people. I went through this whole process of losing almost everyone in my life.

Let me sum this up: you probably have some form of toxicness or N at the root of your parental relationships AND friendships but it could take a while to see. There is probably nobody you can rely on totally right now. You need to focus on YOURSELF, your needs, your desires, your mental health. In the process of doing that, these other relationships will behave accordingly. If you take good care of yourself, and start setting healthy boundaries, the toxic people in your life will quickly become allergic to you. On their way out the door you will then be able to see how toxic they really are and it will start making more sense.

Just take care of yourself. Keep seeing the counselor and possibly look into psychodynamic psychotherapy for the long term. Get a good lawyer and concentrate on having a good divorce.

In the end I am closer with my Nex than anyone in my immediate family. I can see so clearly that he is N but I have a much better understanding of what that is, and he can't hurt me anymore even when he goes into N mode. He is capable of empathy and genuine love and I believe he could be healed if he would face his issues head on.

I have much better friends now and I am seeing someone who is definitely not N. Some friends from the past did make it along for the ride and we are closer than before.