I was 100% using bjj for the mental health benefits: after I started, I stopped seeing my therapist and thought all was good. I considered this place to be my family, and I had never been happier.

Then I got kicked out for being a creonte (inviting people over to my house to roll, evidently starting my own school) and I fell apart. Things got really dark for about a year, and I thought about giving up and offing myself a few times.

I've started therapy again, stopped drinking, did some intensive outpatient work, and found the right combo of meds. Things are looking up!

I wish I hadn't started bjj when I did, because it was a bandaid that covered up a bunch of stuff, and when it was ripped off it destroyed me and almost ended me.

I'm just starting bjj up again. Being back on the mats has been great for my mental health, but I've learned it isn't a substitute for the hard work I had to do (and still have to do) to be OK with myself. It's important to have a good foundation outside of bjj, because bjj won't always be there.