nah tonight i've only had two beers since i made that post. i thought iwas going to get all sad and weepy. but honestly? it's because i'm always restrainging my emotions so i looooooove having no impulse control (not to say i have much to begin with, but when you go from A Little Impulse Control to No Impulse Control you have the potential to have a really wild great night).

i've blacked out at a club, came back next week and had all the regulars tell me what a fucking drunk idiot i was (apparently the owner cut me off, i fell down in the hall in front of the bathroom, and some guy had to carry me to the car). it was embarrassing. i still kept going back to the same club, but just in different wigs (was a gay club, this did NOT fool anyone).

i drink because i don't care what happens to me? the short and long of it is that. i used to drink a lot with strangers and shit so people who knew me didn't know what a fucking psycho i was, but now i just try to stay low-key because Not Dying suddenly became a priority when i stopped being so depressed. now i'm mostly emotionless, day to day, just sort of tired and sad and angry, but i have no outlet. drinking gives me that outlet. now i just whine a little online, but no more drunk dialing exes and ODing on ibuprofen.