But sometimes it gets dark & it seems the light is barely shining through. I'm almost 24 & I have struggled with depression as well. Your comment in particular resonated with me & I just had to get in touch with you. & I agree that just putting your thoughts & feelings down in black & white is a good coping mechanism. Even better to someone who has an idea of where you're coming from.
My dads been locked up since before I was born. I watched my mom get her heart broken a handful of times growing up by different guys, bc they all got with her for her looks & she's seriously so sweet & down to earth. But I also watched her struggle with pills & alcohol. I watched her cry half the time. Meanwhile I'm out being a rebel & dabbling with drugs myself & getting into all sorts of legal trouble during most of highschool. Probation twice, more traffic tickets than you've ever seen, arrested quite a few times.. To put it bluntly it fuckin sucked.
I like to think of myself as an optimistic pessimist. Reality is life sucks, the world is filled with hate & corruption & destruction. It's like whoever is playing my character can you please just disconnect the controller? But I also see all the beautiful things in life in life for what it is & I do my best to soak up every minute I possibly can of the good stuff. I like to think people would probably describe me as mildly funny, down to earth with a big heart, & overall a joy to be around most of the time. But TRYING to be happy & put that facade on all the time is seriously draining. Then I have my days where for instance, I'm at my g/f's house, having a day where that light is thin, & all her friends come over & I just have no will to talk or participate at all, I think, what is the point? I left behind my best friends & moved to another state to be with HER, no family of my own here, friends or anything. Granted, I love her more than anything after 4 years she has been so fucking good to me. She's seen my drunken outbursts of all the pain & sadness I keep buried deep down. She's supported me while I was broke. She's so smart & sexy & funny & just perfect. & on my bad days she instantly knows I'm in my slump, & comes in her life raft to rescue me. But every now & then I can tell it gets to her, & it fucking kills me. I think about what a burden I was on my mom & her relationships, my friends, my gf, everybody I love & care about in life. I do my best to be the best person I can be but I always end up fucking shit up one way or another it seems like.
But through all my dark times & spouts of depression.. I have learned to really love & appreciate all the good stuff in life. It's like coming out of a jungle of thick brush & thorn, tall trees & little light, starved & on the verge of giving up... Into a beautiful breathtaking clearing filled with all the good stuff. I stay in that clearing for as long as I can. I know I will come back up on the jungle periodically. But every time, every fucking time I get to that miserable jungle, I will do my best to keep my head held high, to feel that warm sunlight on skin again for I know that every day I keep going, every time I make it out of that thick brush, I get stronger. A little, miserable step at at a time. & to feel that sunshine again, that happiness in your life, is all worth the fight to keep going. I wasn't asked to be put on this earth. But here I am. I'm grateful that I don't have it as bad as other people do. But while I have time left on this planet... You bet your ass I am going to do my best every fucking day to get the most out of the life that I was given. I push the suicidal thoughts out, the little demon in my head that wants to see me fail. Fuck that. I'm not taking myself out of this world. If this life wants me dead then it'll have to take my life away from me then, because I REFUSE to take the easy way out. I'm living this damned life I was given & do my best to leave a positive mark in this world.
I know you didn't ask for a fucking novel & I'm sorry. But like I said I just felt a strange inclination to reach out to you & spend the last 45 typing this out. Thanks for sharing this life with me.