Honestly, I'm free in some ways but totally a prisoner in others. It happens. People can be really weird and nasty about gender sometimes.

I totally understand how you feel about the short hair thing. It's hard to embrace something that you feel might get you judged or bullied for. I don't think it's bad that you want to compensate for the short hair because really, you have to feel comfortable with the image you project in society, and if a bolder lipstick or more feminine clothes do that, then go for it.

The truth is that as much as we wanna not give a shit about gender expectations, we live in a society that absolutely thrives on them, and to expect ourselves to be in constant battlemode against it is totally exhausting.

I know exactly how you feel about the short hair thing because sometimes I kinda wish I could rock short hair. I'd kinda love to have short hair that I can color and spike, and contrast it with really vibrant eye makeup and bold lipstick. Girl I would rock that shit so hard. The issue for me (and it's slightly similar to yours) is that doing so means I wouldn't "pass" as well, and I'd open myself up to the potential of being bullied, just for slightly different reasons.

I guess what I'm saying and sorry if it's shit advice but, at the end of the day you just really have to do what's comfortable for you, and if that involves bending to gender norms a little, that's ok. If bending like that bothers you and you want to change that, you totally can, in small tiny steps. If you want to spend your energy elsewhere, that's totally fine too!

It's like you said, we're all just trying to figure this shit out. :)