I really appreciate your comment. Are you getting enough sleep? Honestly, you seem a bit manic and depressed because I have written similarly when I’ve been heading up or into a mixed mood state where I feel depressed while still being super talkative, not sleeping well, fixating on religious stuff, etc… I’m not trying to diagnose you or anything, but be careful. Talk to a professional if you start to feel out of control or make impulsive decisions. For me, I start buying stuff I don’t need or get super into religion or become hypersexual or I start driving more erratically or many other indicators. You can be simultaneously manic and depressed and mixed mood states are especially confusing and I’ve made some of my worst decisions in them. Just throwing that out there.

I have been drawn to those open minded hippy type churches before. I really like them and the people, but when I get manic or depressed or mixed I have psychotic symptoms which give a fundamentalist flavor to my Christianity and I go all conservative even though I am very liberal from a liberal family. I live in a conservative area so that might be a factor. I try to figure out why these people think the way that they do, I try to put myself in their shoes, and the depression makes me feel I’m wrong and they must have the correct worldview so I adopt theirs and my whole world falls apart. A complete psychotic break fits in with the Pentecostal vibe for some reason…they convince me it’s just god talking through me and I should stop taking my meds because Jesus will fix me. That never goes well.

I may get involved with one of the more liberal churches again because I still have some of the belief, like agnostic but sometime atheist, but always wanting to be as good of a person Christians should be if they actually paid attention to what Jesus actually said. I miss the fellowship and connection with community also. I’m definitely not a bíblical literalist and some of the churches accept that…they just want to be good, accepting people…I can dig that.

I wish you the best. It seems like you are aware of your moods which is great. Talk to people you trust and be open about what you’re experiencing in that head of yours. Full blown episodes kinda leave reality behind and lead to destructive decisions. Lots of love from me to you. Be well.