TW: sexual assault.

One thing not mentioned yet is how toxic it made me in my relationships. Consent wasn’t a thing because neither of us could give consent whatsoever. This meant that when things got heated, I didn’t always take no as no because I knew that she had to say no and told myself that it was what she really wanted.

I felt worse about betraying god by doing sexual things than I did for betraying my ex wife by not listening to her when things crossed lines she didn’t want crossed. I haven’t talked to her about it because we split and I deconverted, but I’m pretty sure if I didn’t sexually assault her at some point in our relationship, it wasn’t because I understood consent, but because I got really lucky and she wanted to be doing what we were doing and really couldn’t say yes… it’s toxic as fuck, and while I don’t carry guilt for sex anymore, I carry a ton of guilt and shame for how shitty I was as a person.