When I decided to enlist, I thought service would make me a better man, or some vague shit like that. I was lost in life, and it just seemed like the proper thing for a male in this country to do at the time. It really changed me, but sometimes I feel ignorance is bliss.

We developed friendships yeah, but it just felt so goddamn grim. I kept getting the same vibe that I probably gave off in the roster. Why the hell are we really here? We did it for different personal reasons, and some had to, but a lot of it was just being convinced that it was undeniably justified. I don't want to offend y'all but a big part of me always asked myself if I was stupid for wanting to believe America. Warfare is a horrible thing, and it has challenged my humanity.

Through it, I began to see the roles us soldiers played in the grand scheme of things. We were truthfully dispensable. Maybe not to our comrades, but you get the point. We fought men with families and loved ones, who wanted to see them back just as much as ours did. I didn't hold a grudge against the enemy, on both sides we were just doing what we were told, purposely suppressing our own reluctance. In a sense, that was very relaxing, just following and being mechanical. But I think I was more of an actor than anything else, I never once committed to hitting target. Maybe I did, I hope I didn't, that's what I want to believe. I don't know if that makes me a traitor, I just wanted things to play out and end and still be entitled to call myself human. When it comes down to it, I don't think any of us truly wanted to kill another human being, or at least I hope not, some were suspect. I wish I never saw that side of life, it's fucking terrifying to see how an idea can change what men who would otherwise be friends in a different world are willing to do to each other. Even celebrate after. I played along, but deep down I hated myself for it. I think I still do.