I was just like you. I felt like I "needed" to drink to be happy, to be me. I quickly found that what I needed was to stop for many days in order to feel the positive effects of sobriety and begin to design a recovery kit for myself.

I began to read a lot of posts here, and I began to scour the internet for recovery stories--anything that made me feel less alone in this process. I poked around the sidebar which turned me on to some good reading, like The Easy Way to Stop Drinking. I read Lit by Mary Carr. I forgot that I had read The Four Agreements during my relapse year (thanks for your book post, u/DJ_CrispySwitchblade, I had forgotten about that book). In other words, I read A LOT. I opened my mind to the healing power of words, of stories. It was a connection that helped and still does.

I began to see that my previous attempts at stopping were all centered around white-knuckling it and relying solely on willpower alone. I quickly realized that I needed to begin journaling about my past traumas; it was a lot easier for me to confront long-held and ignored feelings and memories when I had sobered up for a week or two and create written mementos to revisit and reflect on. And once I became more honest with myself and comfortable with my thoughts now that they weren't drowned out, I opened up to my family about sides of myself they never knew about. This type of honesty worked wonders.

If you have an urge to get out and not sit at home, many people here find attending in-person support groups to be helpful. AA, SMART, outpatient, and many others provide an opportunity to socialize with others in similar predicaments. For me, I needed to rest and reboot. I also found it helpful to be at home and address my addiction in my home environment since that's where I did all my drinking. But for others, it's helpful to leave their home environment and be with others (at an AA meeting, for example) because it might provide a break from the very place where withdrawal and cravings might be strong. I also found exercise to help me with the wothdrawals and cravings.

Good luck! Keep us posted on your progress.