It's been 18 months but my heart only aches more. It's like I have spilt into two layers, the surface layer that copes (mostly) and the underneath layer that feels just as lost, lonely and distraught as ever and misses my mum more intensely than ever. I find myself constantly questioning what the point of anything is, why I am here, what it's all about, if there is life after death (even the thought of that scares me now weirdly? It's like I have no control over what it'll be like I guess it what I'll be plunged into)..or just total obliteration which feels even scarier. Life now feels like I've been put on some crazy, dangerous & unpredictable theme park ride that I didn't ask to be on and that I have very little control over. I have tried so much but I don't feel my mum is around me and that, I find extremely depressing like my very essence is being squashed flat. It's still very difficult to do much past what I need to, my creative spark is gone, and it burned so brightly before.