For the last 3 weeks of our relationship she seemed very distant. It felt like she was just going through the motions and it made me feel like I was, too.
There were a few issues within our relationship that I really wanted to talk about and get sorted but we only really saw each other 1 day a week and I didn't want to spend the only day I saw her arguing. I would have seen her more often, but things were difficult with work etc. and it was quite apparent that she didn't want to see me as often as I saw her.
I remember one day she seemed quite lonely and like she wanted some company. This was a weekday and we didn't really do anything on weekdays (we didn't live together). I had a lot going on but decided that spending time with her that evening was worth it and that I could catch up with all my other stuff later if I made some sacrifices. I can't even remember what we did, I think maybe it was going to the cinema. But later that week she told a friend that our relationship was okay but she didn't like that she spent all of her free time with me. Granted, she didn't get a huge amount of time to herself at that point in time but that was fucking horrible to find out. I felt betrayed.
I also remember finding out that a friend asked her how our relationship was going and she said "Good. He puts up with me when I'm being stressy" or words to that effect. While that's nice and all, she didn't actually mention how she felt. No "he's great", "he makes me feel good", "I'm so glad I have him" or anything like that. She always seemed reserved in her emotions, and I always felt there was an imbalance. She meant the world to me but I don't think that was reciprocated.
I really don't know what it was all about. A part of me felt like she couldn't let go of something (specific) in her past and couldn't fully commit to me as a result. Another part of me wonders of that's just how some people are. I'm not experienced enough with relationships to know for sure. I do know that a large part of it was to do with her dad getting seriously ill about halfway into our relationship. It was a horrible situation for her and she had to deal with seeing him ill every day and I think that just took all of her emotional energy. I tried to be there and do what I could to help, but instead of using me for support she withdrew from me.
So basically our relationship just faded. On the day we broke up I tried to bring up something that was bothering me and it kind of just got dismissed. I told her I was struggling with the relationship and asked if she wanted to go on a break or just break up. She didn't really respond, I think she said "what do you want me to say?!" so I just said well I think that's it then. And I left.
We have since "spoken" (by text etc but no in person) and she told me that it was all down to her dad's health. I sent her flowers and a letter, saying I was sorry for how I handled things and that I would give things another go if she could be more open with me. She told me it was best if she was alone.
So it was a weird breakup. I regret it in a way, but I think her response confirmed that breaking up was ultimately the right thing to do. I miss her, I look back fondly on our time together and sometimes I get really upset that it's over. But I realise it wasn't quite right in some ways. We were possibly just incompatible, which sucks but that's just the way it is. I wonder if we could have solved things by talking it out but I'll never truly know so I just have to assume that we wouldn't have.
I'm moving on, slowly, because I need to. I've deleted her number because I need to let her deal with her life and move on.
If she ever got back in touch with me, I'd probably drop everything for her. Because contacting me would mean perhaps she does really care about me after all. But I have to wait for that to happen.
Deep down I know it won't happen. So I'm actively dating and I know that one day I'll find somebody else and all these feelings will fade. Part of me wants that, part of me doesn't. I know it's what I need, though.