June 17th, Metallica. Toronto's Exhibition Stadium. Yours truly had the best seats in the house. I had a date but she pulled the old no-show. So I walked over to a kick-ass tailgate party to see if anyone wanted the extra ticket. Well, it turns out they wanted both tickets. They beat me without mercy for what seemed like an eternity. I woke up two hours later in a parking lot dumpster just in time to hear Metallica's rockin' encore, "Seek & Destroy." The acoustics in the dumpster were phenomenal. All I could hear was the bass but, take it from me, Jason Newsted can slap a funky one.

July 8th, Metallica. Giants Stadium, I did not attend this concert. I gave my tickets to two fourteen year old girls who promised to send me two thousand dollars. Ladies, I'm still waiting for my money.

August 1st, Metallica. Foxboro Stadium. Bought tickets from a scalper. Turned out to be stubs from a Molly Hatchet concert in 1974. I pointed out the scalper's mistake and he threw me down a flight of stairs.

August 14th, Metallica. Saugerties, New York. Woodstock II. It was a celebration of peace, love and understanding. Except for this one guy. He snatched my backstage passes and locked me inside a Port-a-Potty. Then he tipped it over and, just my luck, it landed door-side down. There was no gettin' out. But that didn't prevent me from rockin' out to "Master of Puppets" as I enjoyed my own private mosh pit. I felt the Port-a-Potty start to move. I realized I was sliding down a mud-slicked hill, just before the Port-a-Potty slammed into a barbecue and caught fire. I could hear Kirk Hammett whaling away on "Enter Sandman" as I struggled to free myself from my flaming tomb. When I woke up in the hospital, I said to myself -- actually, I thought to myself since my lips were burnt shut -- "Woodstock once every twenty-five years? Count me in!"