[long post sorry ] tell me about it, i think the problem often with waking up is (for me sometimes i have more interesting dreams then my actual life is) but the realization that its the same day all over again basically. Lately ive really TRIED to break out of the 15 or so year limbo i felt myself in but it seems like once agian no matter how hard i try it always ends up the same. I try to stay positive, as i think that really is key if you can help it, and i try to reach out to make new connections to try to force myself not to stay isolated. But its just so tough. Theres a girl i know whos a bit younger then me ive known for a while. and i was hoping to at least just get to hang out together as friends, as i really dont have many close friends at the moment as i have a disablity that lets just say has put a huge wal up with me and others in my life. That and because of it a lot of people dismiss me and treat me like a child even though im 35, they confuse my disablity i guess with others like down sydrome or that sort of thing and think i lack intelligence, when i have clearly shown i am intelligent and creative, but even so its like it doesnt matter.

it sucks too because i actually tried to get the nerve yesterday to finally tell the girl i liked how i felt after nearly two years of just sitting on the sidelines, found out she lives not but a few blocks away from me too, and figured would be a great chance to hang out and get to know one another , but i coudnt bring myself to even appreach her last night to say so . even though ironically i did go out of my way to talk to her the week before, so instead of trying to do something diffrent for a change, once again i just resort to sending a facebook message. Which of course she has not replied to yet,

maybe part of me didnt approach her about it because in the back of my mind i knew she woudnt be interested, im not really looking for a date right now, just someone to spend some time with and get to know. but even that due to my disablity my history has been that most women just want nothing to do with me even as friends, while they go chase after some douchbag.....

its also tough because ironically after all these years i actually DID find a nice woman to hang out just as friends we did so nearly twice a week for a while too but in the end she bent over backwards (not in a suggestive way at least i hope not) for some douchbag neighbor of hers who even her friend thought was a scumbag , and i felt ignored. So i just let it go. that was one of the toughest moments for me in my life lately because it felt like a break up even though we were just friends sighs. We never really connected in the end like i wanted either. and once again i felt like i always feel like the kid on the sidelines instead of being in the middle of it and having good friends and what. Same with the girl i like now , Caroline, we go to the same church and i see her talking to everyone else and even giving them hugs and stuff and she sings in the praise band on sunday nights and i help do the slides for the worship songs and lesson and my physical distance from her at that time feels like my real life personal distance, like there i am way up in the balcony and there she is down there and i cant reach her.

and i know of no one else at the moment that i really want to connect with really, and it just feels like a shot in leg that she would just ignore my effort to try to be better friends, because i feel like now, well now what? Like ive tried for years and years to break out of this limbo as as im sure many of you else might feel

the whole thing about getting up and going to sleep, its the same crap. day after day, i get up and i go to bed, i get up and go to bed, the same stuff, the same junk, the same cycle. and nothing ever seems to change, and even when it does, it feels more like a horse and carrot thing like oh yeah you think its going to change you think maybe, just maybe finally everything is going to be different and then.........back right where you started.

and instead of finding myself in a deep deep pit of sadness and depression like im sure more other people struggle with. I just have slowly gotten to the point that i just dont freaking care anymore. with myself with my life with anything. i go around acting like i do (and the one saving grace is that with my disablity i lack facial expressions so ultmate pokerface there i can be sittign with family or whatever totally feeling blah...and they not really even knowing)

it just sucks. its so frustrating. but...though i dont totally give up i guess at this point i feel like im just going through the motions, trying to reach out but deep down thinking maybe its too late , maybe i had that chance in the past to find real happiness and real connection and someone special in my life and to make a diffrentce but its gone...and ill never find it agian.

and heres the kicker for me. Im not someone who just has completely nothing to offer. i WANT to make a diffrence, i want to maybe do a video or audio series where it can encourage others, but with my disablity i coudnt really do it myself, and without more better personal connections i find the lack of real motivation to . im into music production too as a hobby, but once agian when you feel like no one takes you seriously its just hard to motivate yourself there sometimes.

Plus my biggest issue, is no one freaking listens to me. Maybe its my disablity or whatever, but thats been my story of my entire life, with my parents growing up , my family , my church, nearly everything. No one actually listens to what i am trying to say and often times they take it the wrong way or they shove it in my face what THEY think i am doing instead of understanding that i really am trying the best that i can with what i have.

like today had some stupid screw up with my disablity funds where i thought this one originzation that i tried to connect with who did not help me at all, had nothing to do with those funds so i told them to close my case.........turns out DUH they work together and they ended up closing out my disablity funds . talk about a pain in the butt, i email the guy back telling hem it was a misunderstanding and please dont close it, well i dont hear anything back, then finally a family member (as i stay with them sadly due to my disability and not having another place to go at the moment) calls them back finds out my case had been closed..

and i just nearly lose it. saying i TOLD the bloody guy i didnt want it closed, and of course once agian she never listens to me, always makes me stand there and listen to her first, and then when i tried to explain what happend she still woudnt listen its like talking to a bloody wall. FINALLY got her to understand. but seriously it was a pain in the butt.

and thats how i feel with my life, every day i get up and more often then not its always some crap, just once, just once id love to get up and have news about someone wanting to connect with me that i like or something good happens or . i dont know.

but i try my best to not give up hope. and at the moment i am still trying. but i guess as the years goes on and its the same..crap. you know what im talking about. most of the time thats what happens

its the same...exact crap, over and over and over and you feel like no matter what you do it always ends up the same.

But.......i guess sharing that helps me feel a little better. but cant deny that im not extreamly bummed over it now. and starting to feel like maybe i just dont care anymore. ill keep trying and maybe one day ill get there, but starting to feel like it sure as hell isnt anytime soon

i think thats the biggest problem with depression the frustration. the sheer frustration of it. if i can just past it, if i can just get better connections get out of this limbo...i could make it. but i never seem to be able to.

Sighs. One day at a time. thats all i can say. its amazing i made it this far to be honest with you. but here i am. Well thanks for anyone who listened. i guess mostly i posted this to help myself maybe. the idea that maybe someone might listen even if you dont find that out......somehow can be encouraging.

and who knows the girls mom (who i knew longer) told me to just be patient....so who knows.......maybe things will work out. Its just so hard. because i have to keep fighting that urge to say well ..forget it.