my friend=CC, her husband=Bob
CC and Bob don't have an issue with the child-rearing arrangements at all. Bob is willing and excited to be a diaper-changing super dad. They are both willing to step back as necessary if it becomes unmanageable. If anyone can handle a baby + career, it's these two.
MIL cannot stand this arrangement. It's just wrong to her that CC wouldn't quit school--she doesn't need to, as they can afford child care, grad school is flexible, and he can work some from home. She's extremely unhappy that CC will end up with the PhD here and Bob won't. (Bob hates school.)
Now all this is fine. They can agree to disagree, and she does mean well, and it's just a generational and cultural difference. But MIL won't agree to disagree. She's waging a passive aggressive, but all-out war against their relationship and life choices--not going to argue whether it's true. CC is the opposite of a petty idiot. Even Bob admits his mom is trying to change their relationship and life choices. He's in denial that it's not ok, that it might not be for the best for your own mother to make you feel like shit for her own purposes. Don't YOU tell me that it's ok. It's not ok for her to assert herself like this.
Bob cannot stand up to his mother. He really genuinely wants to be a hands-on dad. He's even more excited about being a parent than CC and does not want a PhD. MIL makes him feel like shit about this preference, that he's less of a man. I've seen it happen--she doesn't tell him this, but subtly gets him to think this of himself. CC's always been the strong-willed, outspoken one of the couple, the one who calls to dispute the bill. It's not so much that he's asking her to handle the MIL situation, as they both know it's up to her.
What she's doing to CC is almost like slut-shaming, but for having career aspirations, not putting her husband first always, and eating salad (raw vegetables! how could you dare--你怎么敢--risk your baby's life, that stuff that sounds like concern, but the intent is to make CC feel like shit.) Once, out of context, she sounds like a concerned mom. In context of the war she's waging against CC and Bob's egalitarian relationship and western lifestyle, it's daily bullying. Normally CC would just tell someone like that to fuck off, but because she's aware of MIL's place in Chinese culture, and where she is coming from, she, for now, feels obligated to pick up that phone call every day and let MIL into her home whenever.
I was here to ask how to handle this. But you guys (you) have just confirmed that the culture really thinks it's ok for a mother in law to invalidate and put herself in the middle of jeopardizing a healthy relationship, just because it's not what she's used to. This is very useful information and context. Thanks. (See what I did there?)
Update: CC's going to refuse to speak to MIL alone in person or over the phone. Texts and email are fine and will be always shared with Bob. Boundaries.