I don't know if I belong here (then again, I don't belong anywhere...) but lately I've been struggling with really bad thoughts, and so many parts of my life just makes me want to cry.
Many of my things are trivial. I failed my driving test. I'm struggling with my school assignment. I'm going to the dentist next week but can't really afford it because I know I have a lot that needs to be done. I'm also afraid he'll tell me I've not been following his instructions since last time - I've tried, but I haven't been good enough. At work they're introducing new regulations on what we can and cannot do, I feel they don't trust us at all. My skin is breaking out. I feel like nobody (except my mom) loves me. As I said, completely trivial things, but... they're in addition to other things. I don't like myself. At all. I try, but it's so hard when I feel I'm not good enough. My relationship with my dad is as of this summer non-existant. He keeps emotionally abusing me and my sisters and I've finally realized that cutting all contact is the best route. I think. I thought he had changed. He threw me out of the house when I was staying there for two weeks in the summer. They needed time to themselves because my step-mom was starting work again that following monday.
Almost two years ago now my step-sister died. I wasn't even close with my step-sister, but she was like me. She looked up to me and I didn't see that she, too, was struggling. She was 17. Since that happened... my ups are big ups and I feel awesome.. but at the very next turn my downs are really big downs. One small, maybe trivial bad thing happens and I can be unable to be happy for a long time after. I cry a lot. When something good happens to me or I see something I like or think is interesting I'm sad because she doesn't get to see it. I don't know what to call this. The shrink said I didn't need her help - I wasn't able to be honest with her. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no x-mas cheer. I have a bleak outlook on the future of humanity. I need to stop writing this, it's making me sad.
I have no energy to do anything about my life. Why am I even here? What good do I do.