I understand you. Many things reflect what I and lots of others experienced.

But now listen to the good news. You are not that old. You didn't waste your life. Imagine what would have happened if you dated and instantly married like lots of Mormons? Imagine the situation if you would have kids and would be on the brink of divorce.

Just to tell you what I experienced: I married an abusive wife. I got abused every single day and my family and church counsellors always supported her and put all the blame for her behaviour on me. Only because she is a perfect TBM and I am not. When I finally tried to divorce, although I had no support from anyone, a priesthood blessing convinced me not to do it.

I was at the brink of giving all up, but what I learned is that there is always hope. Yes, I am going towards my 40s, but I am not too old to start all over again. Life is not over. I can still find happiness. What's important is now and not my past.

You are still free. You can make new friends, even if it's hard. When my Mormon friends married and got kids they all turned away from friendship. They were excellent childhood friends and great people. But now they only identify as cult members. If I ask them for anything they won't have time, because work-children-cult doesn't leave them time for anything else.

So go out and find friends whose heads won't be turned by a cult. Don't look back with regret, because you have your whole life still in front of you.

The emptiness which the church left behind won't last forever. At the end you will experience the ultimate freedom. You don't need a god to help you, because you can do it yourself.