(This is part two, see my other comment for part one)

Derek moved back in. I thought it would be awkward, super embarrassing. But it wasn't. It's clear Tristan's words deeply affected him, that he swore to his brother with his life. Sometimes he'll remind me of what Tristan said. He treats me like Tristan's daughter. He's totally different now, and we're building a real friendship. A friendship very different than the one he had with Tristan. It's... incredible. Surreal.

It sounds crazy. All of it. But yet I'm here and there's so much I can't explain. I've felt like I've just been along for a crazy ride half the time. And while I wish I could dismiss it all, I can't because it's overwhelmingly obvious that Tristan is the one who saved our situation. I did not have the solution. At all. My solution was a restraining order. I remember being so helpless and lost. And I've had to trust... Tristan. That's a weird experience.

As for where Tristan is now, I don't think he will be able to reform like that one night. He faded to a point where he's more a bunch of emotions, feelings, that I can sometimes feel inside me. Mostly very strong emotions to protect me. I still sometimes dissociate but I'm always here to a degree. I feel like we both panic when that happens, neither of us want it. But with higher estrogen now I feel like that will fade more and more. Honestly, I just want to be alone and exist as myself. That's all I want. If I could give up his memories I would. And I know that's what he wants too, for me to exist and live and for him to be completely gone, more than anything.

There you go. Wild.

And so that brings me to the differences you asked about!

I have his memories for instance and I'm able to recognize his from mine. They're a different "color" or tint and make me feel uncomfortable and unsettled. I also can't connect to his memories as easily or connect them together and make sense of them like he could. It's like having a jigsaw puzzle without the picture. So I'm constantly making mistakes that he wouldn't make, especially with people he knew. My own memories are much faster and feel good to be in and are vivid colors. I'd honestly prefer to only have my own... but then I wouldn't know how to read or write or survive as an adult. I have to rely on his memories and knowledge a TON. Thankfully more factual memory is less "tinted" but it still messes me up if I work with them for too long.

I also can't get the same exact feeling or deepness from his memories. Like he deeply loved his ex-wife until the day he died. Yet I have zero feelings for her one way or the other. Like none. I have never met her. That's the easiest way to tell who is who. "Have I met this person?" "No." And some memories seem more isolated and hard to reach than others, especially about his marriage. So I stay away from them. I'm afraid to damage them and maybe him in the process.

It also means everything is "new" to me and I have to re-experience so much. Especially because we're so different. I might remember his memory of liking or not liking something, and it turns out I hate it or love it. Also, things that should trigger nostalgia don't. If anything I get a weirdly tinted deja vue feeling. I feel like I'm experiencing most things for the first time and often find myself wonderstruck or amazed. I just had my first bowl of cereal today. It was weird. Pretty okay!

Also, a ton of his experiences and memories are no good to me. I have girl instincts and the world sees me as a girl. If I ignore my new instincts and rely on his experience to guide me, I end up in dangerous situations or hurt. 'Yes, I can defend myself! Yes I can carry all of those!"

I couldn't tell you what I believe in terms of why or how or who, but I know I feel at peace and myself when I accept it all and not attempt to confuse it or deny it.

Just some light and silly ones: -He hated bass, dancing, and playing loud music. I LOVE THEM!! -He was only into girls, NEVER into guys. He wasn't even bi and thought guys were incredibly ugly. -I'm into almost exclusively guys and find them so damn HOT and sexy. -He hated small talk and preferred his own thoughts. I LOVE small talk and socializing. -He hated yogurt and avoided it like the plague. I LOVE IT. -He was the opposite of vain and lived simply. I am the total opposite. lol. -He loved certain candies because they reminded him of his childhood. They do nothing for me. -He had a deep emotional connection to his family. They feel like distant relatives I haven't met. -He loved complex problems, building, and engineering solutions. I don't. AT ALL. -He knew what he was doing and his aim in life. I have no idea. None. Anything seems possible. -He felt and acted his age. I feel and act like a teen or younger. Even my dates tell me. X_x -He has said and done so many things I would never do. And I'm left dealing with it months later!

So there ya go. There's my wild transition story. I don't know if I'll leave it up forever, I'm still pretty overwhelmed and embarrassed by it. Now I'm off to go see that movie! I'll update my post with my thoughts. Thanks for reading :)