29 M

I'm a nurse and every time I leave work I want to kill myself. I have a good life by all metrics. I have very good friends, an extraordinarily well adjusted girlfriend. Passionate about skiing, rock climbing, movies and games. I'm just afraid that if I leave nursing and whatever other work I find also makes me suicidal (I have a sinking feeling that it will) that...that will be it.

I just wish I could give my life to someone who would appreciate it. There's so much to life, but I just always find myself feeling angry, sad, unmotivated and non competitive with my peers. I've felt like this as long as I can remember. One of my first memories was me telling my mom "I wish I had never been born" and her stopping and getting very serious and mad at me and replying "Never say that. You're special (etc)...." And me just feeling sad. I never consented to this existence. It just reminds me of that meme. Life is like soccer, my mom signed me up for it and now i'm just expected to try my best even though I fucking hate soccer. The good times are good, but I feel the bad times a thousand times more intensely, it seems.