One word: BUDGET

First, I'd highly advise against separate accounts as a first step. I know people swear by it, but if you already have joint accounts, splitting them has the chance to shape complication, resentment and suspicion. I see few advantages as long as there is transparency and honesty between the spouses about spending.

Both of you should balance the checkbook or see that it has been balanced. It is really easy to do with the way online banking, credit card statements etc. work.

Do you have a budget?

There are a few great tools that are so so cheap for the power they give you over your finances: Mint or YNAB come to mind.

It would be really easy to divide your personal spending from bills to get a clearer picture of equanimity that way. There can be a "his spending money" and "her spending money"... when you go out to eat on your own, buy things for hobbies, etc, put it in there.

I'm a big believer that the one who earns more should be entitled to spend somewhat more, but that in families that work, almost all discretionary spending ought to be for the benefit of everyone.

However that is definitely a discussion to have with your partner.

While one partner or the other might earn more through the life of the relationship, it often oscillates ... but both parties should figure out how to contribute equitably to the household economy regardless of income. Remember, there is no saying who will have the highest hospital bill when you're at deaths door, and who will be living on the other's savings after one is gone.

When hashing out the budget, make the discussion most about learning how you're both spending because getting rid of the debt is effing important.

Focus on paying down the debt and make it a dialogue. Don't turn him into the impetuous manchild who can't control his spending. You both must be more disciplined to reach your shared goals.

Make the goals shared and the strategies to reach those goals likewise shared. Look at how much is coming in, look at where you both spend.

Who earns more or less should matter so, so little.