here is the post that got deleted:

I have known I am "different" for a very long time.. But I only found out it is psychopathy recently. It does not change my life to know what it is. I keep thinking I am lucky to be psychopath. But I have done some things that most people would find terrible. Nothing too criminal like murder or anything.(You have to understand Hollywood created an image of who psychopaths are. Not because I am a psychopath I am a serial killer.) Some of the things I am going to say may seem "Cold" to you. But I can not see those things the way you see them. I can not feel the same way you feel about things. Even though I can make people believe I can feel like them, sad and stuff. But here are a few examples of the things that contributed to the finding of what I really am... 1: I am always 10 steps ahead of you in a conversation. My speech flows out of my mouth and is perfect. I will say the right thing at the right time: Always. You can not tell when I lie. I can bargain for prices like people could never believe. People feel hypnotized after talking with me. I can talk myself out of anything. I can make people think it is their fault something happened, when in reality, I know it is my fault. But why would I care. 2 Today I am not violent. I have not been violent for a long time. Physically anyway. I am very violent psychologically. I do not use childish words like "you idiot". I make people sad. I make people very angry. VERY angry. Do I feel bad? I CANT!!!! REMEMBER THIS! Should I feel bad? maybe! If I was normal. who is normal anyway? me or you? But in my younger age. specially between 12 and 18, I hurt people physically and psychologically. I started smoking right at home to hurt my family. I hit my family. Police was called often. But my parents have always loved me and tried their best for me(more on that later). 3 I do not want to sound like a dick seeking attention with this one, but I am intelligent. Below 90% was rare in my youth. And sometimes I had to put mistakes in my exams because I did not want to look too smart to friends. So I purposely put mistakes when I knew I was going to have 100%. I eventually got very bored with school. It got very stupid. It was easy and slow. and boring. So I found a job and started making money at 16. part time of course. Now things went really wrong for me. I had money and I seek adrenaline. I started doing Ecstasy... frequently. I would take my school books home, read them, go pass the exams on exam dates, and not go to school until then. I would only show up when it was important. And I still succeeded. At some point I was told I either had to show up all the time or they would fail me. I thought this was stupid.. I had the scores so why? I still think thats stupid. So I droped Out and went fulltime at work. things got really bad from there.. I got involved in bigger crimes. I do not want to go in details. but it eventually got better. Today I am not involved in any... hard crimes like drugs and violence. I learned to seek adrenaline differently. I like to go fast, very fast. 4 I lost 2 very close friends and 2 family members. I only went to the funeral of the first death and it was so stupid and boring seeing people cry for someone who couldnt hear them.. so I left. And I did not go to the next 3 funerals of the next 3 deaths that were supposed to affect my life. People hated me for this. But once again. I did not care. I did not care for the deaths and I did not care for the hate. WHY? cause I have a psychological disorder that prevents me from caring. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS!!!! 5 I like to set up goals for the future.. like saving money and stuff like that.. But that never works. And I know it. I can plan ahead. But I can not stick to a plan. No way. Trust me I tried. It just never happens.

Before I start #6, Please. Understand that this is a psychological disorder. Do I like it? YES! why? Cause of my psychological disorder! Even though I would not care for the hate. please just avoid it. I am trying to open myself as living as a psychopath. I consider this a very good step no? So any hate or trying to get in my private life will not help me. It will only make things worse I promise. please people.

Now... where I can already feel a lot of hate from normal people(wait who is normal again?): 6: I have a girlfriend, for now, I think. She has actually been with me for longer then any other person has. She thinks I love her. But do I? Sometimes I like to think I do. But I do not. I can not care less for her or anyone else to be honest. When I met her she was doing extremely well. I saw I could take advantage of this. I got closer to her and like I said previously, I am always 10 steps ahead of any conversations. I found out she had a religion and she took it seriously.I saw that as a challenge for me. Could I get through someone's belief? I was ready and willing to try. I had to get in smoothly. I joined her religion. I made her and everybody(hundreds of people) believe that I believed in God. I got baptized. After not even one month I was having sex with her before marriage.(against her religion). She stopped going to church. For 2 years(Note: My longest relationship was previously a few days), I used her. I know I did, but i can not control it. She had a car accident and got a lot of money from an insurance company(well over 50 000$). I was excited. I did not care for her. After one month of receiving her money she had spent it all. I would estimate approximately 80% was spent on me. For me to go see my family, to get toys and such. But i did not just take the money and buy stuff. She bought it for me. I wanted her to buy it for me so she did. I didnt ask her to buy it for me. It doesnt work like that. There are backdoors to the human mind. I go around. After the whole money was spent, she started realizing it was all gone.. I made her blame herself. I mean come on... Its not like I grabbed the money and walked to the cashier. After the 2 years I was with her, I had to go see family out of country. This is when things got bad. She told me she went to church. At that moment I knew I had to get back or I was gonna lose her, or I mean.... her income and such. So I went back. It was too late. She had moved out. I met with her the same day I got there, she told me she screwed up, it was not her fault. She told me she wanted to get married in the church and she did not want to sin anymore. Well..... the same night, I kid you not, I had sex with her twice. Today, she has moved out... And guess what. I still get half of her income. She still tells me she loves me. And like I said previously, Sometimes I do think I love her. But I don't. Sometimes I wish I did. But not really. Now... I know this is wrong to you. to your eyes. I understand that. I now know what my problem is. I know realize what I have done is wrong to normal people. Am I willing to work with her and let her know I am a psychopath? Am I willing to explain her what I have done is due to a psychological disorder? Would it solve anything? would she love me less? She loves me right now! she is happy right now to be with me even though she does not live with me anymore! But yes. maybe I would want to let her know that I am a user,, that way she can stop being hurt. Or maybe not. Who knows. Who knows what I feel.

SO YA!!! i just opened myself for the first time ever. I wish I could say it is a relief.. but I once again do not care really. I just... Honestly I dont even know why I am posting this....

Who is speaking now anyway? Am I who you think I am? Am I who I think I am? When I think I know who I am, do I really know? Am I lost? What is going on? Do I need help? Can I become normal? Or can you? Maybe I am normal and other people are not. who know? I got to go. do what? Do I mean to hurt people? What do I live for if I do not live to have a family? Those are all questions I ask myself... I kid you not.

Oh and I believe in science. And I am considering to help research. wait what!!!! That means I care for Something at least! Yes. I wonder about who I am that is why. not sorry for the let down lol.

EDIT: I forgot to talk more about my family. This is a weird one. Not my family, but what you are gonna read.. I do not speak to my family anymore. I have not for a few months now.... It is my own decision. I respect what they went through because of what I did cause I know I should. I know I should love them and I do not want them to know I am a psychopath and that I do not love them like I am "supposed" to. Does that mean I love them? I do not know myself anymore.