Not sure any of the following will make sense to other people, i might sound like a rambling lunatic ;-) but here it goes. Life has no memory and it will give you new opportunities no matter what you have done or thought and felt in the past or even now. Exploiting/using/learning from the past and making a real change is the key to living. Doing things you have never done before will get you new things that you have never gotten before (the goal being getting better things out of life). I am also thinking about suicide a lot because inside me there is living being that was born out of incest and abuse. This being will never die and just wants to do the only thing it wants, to die and by consequence your body and all your other ‘selves’ will die too. its the ultimate collateral dammage so to speak bcs the destructive being does not care about your whole self it is ego centric to the extreme. if the trauma / complex is big and deep enough it easily becomes the most powerfull subconscious being in your self. The solution in my opinion is to bring it gently to the surface by really feeling it and respect its existence as part of you and to act out its desire but in a construtive way, if you just acknowlede your death wish it will not be enough to reduce its destruction, an example, you need to act it out to the world in a socially acceptable way, i am a victim of covert incest by multiple familiy female members, i did not have any power in me emotional intellectual of physical to balance their abuse of power. now i am adult and i am still seek but fail to regain power with women, i love and fear them and i cannot handle being in love which makes very lonely and frustrated. So all i want is to finally get as powerfull as all other people in the word (or how powerfull you think they are) I am understandig this about myself now and i try not to feel ashamed about it when i try to meet people and girls. Its a dark side of me that is driving me and i can use that power to handle the world better bcs everybody and everything is trying to control everybody and everything, its normal but not being able to get in touch with your own need to control makes you bad at the game and a loser in life. given time you become depressed and give up. I like to flirt with my death wish like play at dangerously close but i feel its allowing me to regain a balance between me and the world. no guarantees it will work because i might easily lose balance but its better then giving up and letting go.