I wouldn't say no real relationship, but lacking in terms of where I want it to be. We see each other monthly for a family dinner, he asks how I am, I reciprocate. Maybe we'll watch the ball game or play cards. I guess I just really feel guilty about being a shut in because I want to have known him more.

I understand the perspective though. It's the rejection I'm terrified of, not because I'm afraid I won't get the money, but because I'd hate to add something else for me to feel judged and awkward about. And because our relationship isn't very intimate, I'm putting the made up but assumed odds very low for receiving the money, making me even more anxious.

I technically do have another option, and that's to get approved for disability. My parents of course would get my tax credit since I'd be moving back in with them, but my loans would likely be forgiven. But I'd feel so embarrassed.