Im really sorry for u that u're going through this for such a long time. Especially cause a big part of your youth has gotten so dark for u. Im proud of u since you managed to write your thoughts down, that's smth that takes a lot of courage. I cant say things like "it will get better, you're not alone" cause i think we both know that not rlly the truth. Trust me, I've been feeling exactly the same as u for 4,5 years now. Your story is rlly relatable. But i think that the only thing i can do is give u advice.

1. You may feel lonely, but a lot of ppl are feeling like you rn, so you aren't alone.
2. You'll have to live with yourself forever, so it could help if you started to take good care of urself. The only person that'll be there for u is u, you're the only one who knows urself the best. Try to accept yourself, but know that that takes a lot of time. There will be days where your self esteem goes downhill, but pls try to make it only last a day, or maximum a week. You have to become your own best friend.
3. You may hate yourself, but i think you're rlly nice. You DO deserve the best, especially after the dark things you went through. You're strong asf.
4. Try filling your life up with things that make u happy. Discovering new things could help. Sometimes u just need distraction from ur dark thoughts, which is very important.
5. Sounds impossible but try to avoid overthinking. Apparently, more than half of mental hurting we experience is due to fake scenarios we create in our head. It's literally good for nothing.