I'm 29

I was a virgin until the beginning of this year.

Right around midnight, I was feeling super lonely, at a friends 'party' (bunch of guys, I'm a guy), depressed I still have never been kissed, never gotten even a pitty kiss for midnight on NYE, had one girl like me but she was just running around liking every guy when I was 16 and just, I was in a terrible place, so I started chatting with some girl on Tinder.

We were both stuck in places we didn't want to be, we talked a bit about how our lives sucked, then I said I was horny, she said she was too, I suggested meeting up and probably less than an hour later I had stolen my friends car, driven to her place <30 minutes away drunk, picked her up, we went to an abandoned parking lot and I made a poor attempt at doing it.

Long story short, I went down on her for an hour while I tried everything to get 'going' but just couldnt. I made a couple attempts to try and get going with her, I think my best was being a bit in and then pulling out and not being able to get back at it and just, it was terrible.

I didn't feel anything for her, I didn't feel special back, I was drunk, I wanted to get off but all I really wanted was to not be a virgin anymore but to also feel special and just, I think now when you try and rush the two, its hard to line up.

Now, I kind of wish I hadn't done it. I've got a lot of issues with it all, Im embarassed I drove drunk to do this, I hate that I basically threw everything away to succumb to what I feel essentially boils down to peer pressure but most of all, I hate that I did what I did with someone I had no real connection to or feelings for. At the same time, now I know, so I'm happy for that but its opened up so many more issues I have that I just have to work through but are mental blocks for me its just, I don't know.

What I guess I'm getting at is, you aren't going to feel loved by getting paid to have sex with someone I dont think. Your problems and issues wont magically go away because you are no longer a virgin. The sky doesnt shine brighter, people dont start flocking to you like some sex god and start begging you for it, you dont suddently become more attractive to people and no one really cares or treats you differently. The only person that cares your a virgin is you, and the only people pressuring you to have sex are movies and companies that sell sex to make money.

That said, I think you should do what you want, but be 100% certain its what you want. There's a type of motto I've been trying to follow recently which I heard about some 'rich guy' follows, which boils down to "If what I want to do isn't a 'fuck yes!', then it's a no" which really just means if you arent 100% certain with all your heart about something, then fuck it, dont do it. I think it's a good motto to follow. Try your best to make sure that what you do is what you want to do so you aren't upset later and confused/thinking about all the other possibilities you wish you had done.

There's always other ways to make money, theres other ways to find love, theres other, and IMO better, ways to feel loved. I get the feeling late about losing your virginity thing and wishing you were just like everyone else, but really think about everything, dont just throw it away because you don't want to be one anymore unless you're certain thats what you want because, in my experience, it just creates more problems and questions than filling of voids. But thats me.