It's not manipulation to see if your partner responds to specific stimuli.
Yes it is. How would you feel if she were keeping a journal of your reactions to her rebuffs? If she had actually written "Told him he's a perv, it worked. From now on when he asks for anal or tries to watch porn with me, I'm going to call him Perv."
These "tasks" you're deriding are about seeing if your partner is willing to move forward or take responsibility for their part in the situation.
If someone doesn't experience repercussions for their actions, why would they change anything? You've told me, a stranger, that you are not going to change anything about your current environment. Even I know that I could do as I pleased and you'd stay. Whats the point in wasting your energy trying manipulative shit and waiting for her to disappoint you? She isn't required to do a damn thing because you aren't going anywhere. Don't bother with tricks or stunts. Find something constructive and productive to do with your free time (which is probably limited, if you are the primary parent).
It's setting criteria and seeing if they wish to take the steps to start repairing the relationship.
It's a test. That you've set them up to fail so you can continue to feel let down and put upon and used and abused. You already know that she doesn't want sex. What you don't know is why, which is the only useful information.
Talk is cheap. My wife has been telling me she's going to go to see someone for a couple of years now. She hasn't.
Why should she? That isn't a rhetorical smartass comment, that's a question. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, why should she seek help? It's safe to presume you don't have sex you don't want to have, either, right? If the house is running in an acceptable fashion, what should she seek help for? I'm not defending her, I'm defining what might be her thought process. If she's working, if everyone in her home has their basic human needs met and no one is ill or absent, she's done all she needs to do. She has no incentive to change anything.
When I bring it up, she just glares at me and ignores it.
Because there are no repercussions.
Those discussions widen the rift between us, and have fixed exactly nothing. It's not economically feasible for me, a 46 year old stay-at-home father with back problems, to get a divorce and raise the kids on my own, so here I am, getting more and more angry and resentful as she goes about her life, uncaring or oblivious to the damage being done or the pain she's causing. Direct confrontation makes it worse.
You've stated to me, a stranger, all the reasons why nothing you want matters. You aren't going anywhere. You presumably love your family and feel responsible for them and their well-being. You aren't willing or able to seek financial independence. You could make the most of your situation and enjoy the hell out of masturbation on your own time, or you could continue to manipulate, fuck with and punish your wife. Which of those options is likely to bring you the most happiness?