Why not, I guess. I don't know how long I'll make this but it might help me to lay out everything in the open.

A little over a year and a half ago I had no friends and all I'd do was sleep, listen to music, play league, school, repeat. It was very boring but definitely not the worst I've ever felt. At least I got my work done and had enough motivation to pass my classes. It was a little before then when I started to completely shut myself off from everyone and began to absolutely hate talking to anyone.

This cycle repeated for a long time and then I met a girl in one of my classes. Didn't think much of it at first. In fact I actually tried to avoid talking to her at first because I really didn't want to get into any deep shit that would fuck me up more than I already was at the time. A lot of the time I think back and realize past me made some really good points but never stuck to them.

She was absolutely adorable, she was super shy but I started talking to her more and more. She eventually became my best friend other than a guy I know who I play league with a lot. I was so absolutely wrapped up in her but I tried really hard not to fall in love I guess. Didn't work out that well. She was perfect and I loved everything about her.

She was in a relationship with the most popular guy in school ironically. There was no way I was going to tell her my actual feelings.

For some background my dad died when I was very young of a drug overdose. I'm absolutely disgusted by any type of drug whether it be alcohol, pot, tobacco, I don't really care, I hate it all. But surprise surprise high school is high school and people do pot and drink. Ultimately this is what destroyed my relationship with her. I was in shock when she first told me about it. I never objected to it though, it was her business what she did in her spare time.

I didn't object to it but I did suffer from it heavily. I got physically sick anytime I thought about her doing drugs. I'd get depressed and have to sleep it off. I told her some of this. She said she'd stop talking about drugs. I found some other friends, specifically one who I talked to about shit a lot and she helped a lot of the time but she wasn't good at keeping things secret. She was a mess at the time, but oh well.

I guess I'll just fast forward a bit. A bunch of shit happens, we stop talking and then start talking again because she refuses to stop doing drugs despite knowing how it makes me feel. I am at the worst I've ever been in my entire life. I was ready to die, I wanted to die so bad. But then she breaks up with her boyfriend and comes to me. In the back of my mind I was thinking "Hey, you know what's a bad idea? This is a bad idea. Stop doing what you're doing now and dip the fuck out before shit gets heavy." Why would I POSSIBLY listen to the voice of reason though? Instead I listened to her, she said live life as it comes and disregard what might happen. A fuck-it way of thinking about things.

Lasted for about a month. Now don't get me wrong, it was the greatest time of my life for that short duration. I was so happy to finally be with her, to hold her, to tell her I love her. Then she says she can't be with me because she still has feelings for her ex. Bam. Fuck me, I'm down for the fucking count.

After that we stopped talking. I couldn't be friends with her. A bunch of dramatic shit happens. I hate drama almost as much as I hate drugs. I was the worst that I've ever been in my life. I literally sat in my bed for a solid 3 weeks doing nothing. I couldn't bring myself to die because the only way I knew how (or at least the only logical way I knew how to do it) was to hang myself. I now know a better way but I can't do it for reasons that I won't delve into on this subreddit.

I lost all of my friends again and that brings it to where I am now. I'm a loser who sits at home doing nothing but play league and sit on my fat ass waiting until I gain the courage to do myself in. I stay home and get in fights with my mother who I honestly wish was dead.

I know you'd say just give it time it'll get better eventually but fuck that shit. I've given everything time from the beginning of this story. All down fucking hill. As soon as I say well it can't get worse than this it does and I'm scared to see what happens next. I've lost the only person I've ever been with and the person I've loved more than anything in my life. It's just frustrating.

Oh well.