When all our happy memories together are in the distant past, when we first met. Not in the present. Holding onto past memories, not creating new moments to remember.
When all her problems are my problems . . . and all my problems are my problems. When she's unhappy, you're unhappy. But if you're unhappy, she doesn't care; worse, she puts you down for it.
When the give-and-take is really skewed; I'm doing all the giving, she's doing all the taking. And especially when she complains it's still not enough. I'm constantly trying to please her, and she makes no effort to please me. Related: when you do a friend a favor, he feels like he owes you. When you do her a favor, she feels like you owe her.
I feel anxiety when she's coming over, and relief when she's leaving. Seeing her causes dread, not joy. Variation: I don't miss her when she's away, and if I come back from being away, I postpone on telling her I'm available.
If you live together: you make up excuses to avoid going home, e.g. working overtime when it's not necessary. I once read a book about private investigators. In one part, it mentioned how they get hired by suspicious wives to follow around husbands who might be cheating. For a fair amount of cases, the husbands were reading newspapers in the park, going to movies by themselves, driving around aimlessly, etc. Basically just to avoid going home to their wives.
I can't talk freely, where I have to constantly tip-toe around and censor everything I say so she isn't upset, hurt or blows up. Worse is if she doesn't return the favor and insults and puts me down all the time (especially in front of other people).
I am constantly defending myself for normal things, e.g. happening to talk to a girl, wanting to hang out with friends without her, etc.
When I talk about my girlfriend to my friends, it's more me venting complaints or making excuses for her bad behavior than sharing happy memories. Yet you find yourself having to defend her when friends criticize her. One occasion I was venting for like the 100th time, and I could see my buddy's eyes glaze over and look bored, probably thinking, not this shit again. I caught myself and realized that I needed to end that relationship.
She chisels away at your identity. Tries to get you to give up interests, hobbies and the things that make you . . . you.
If she tries to isolate you and cut you off from family and friends so you're entirely dependent on her, that's a giant red flag she might be abusive (same if the SO is a guy). Also refer to the domestic abuse Power and Control Wheel (PDF). It's written from the POV of female victims, but applies to males as well.
If she attempts to make me jealous by flirting with other men, or knowingly puts herself in situations where cheating could occur, e.g. spending the night at a male friend's apartment, going back to her boss' hotel room after a conference, etc. If you tell her your concerns, and she reacts dismissively, it's bad. If she insults you by saying something like, "Stop being so insecure" or "Don't be controlling," it's time to bail. I'm not controlling and I don't expect her to swear off all male contact, but a girl who's a keeper will be considerate of you. Not disrespect you. Worse, she tries to cut you off from female friends (while keeping her male friends).
If the sex stops, we stop being lovers. Lovers make love. For me, actions speak louder than words and sex = attraction. When the number of excuses gets to be 2x or 3x the times of actual encounters, it's time to get out. No matter what she might say about how much she cares about you, if she doesn't want you in bed, she doesn't want you, period. Weirdly enough, that's the point where some girls have pushed for bigger commitment. Or worse, thinking that having a baby will solve the problem. Acting like that will magically bring the sexual spark back. In contrast, I thought it would just set a bad precedent of her withholding sex as a bargaining chip. Is she going to do this in the future every time if she doesn't get her way? Maybe they thought if they withheld intimacy and made me desperate enough, I'd agree to anything? I'm grateful that even at my most clueless, I didn't fall for that. Whenever sex became "conditional," it was a bad sign the relationship was failing. Manipulation kills my boner.
The thought of greater commitment to her fills me with dread, not joy. Where if that girl said to you right now, "What do you think about us getting married?" makes you want to jump out a window. Oh my God, I'd have to spend the rest of my life with her! This crazy could be raising my future children!. Ironically, a demand for commitment can be the jolt you need to break up with her.
Warning: if she's pressing for commitment and you're backing away, watch out for a pregnancy scare (real or fake). Use your own condoms every time. Disclaimer: not saying all girls will pull that. Just in case, here's what to do: demand you go see a doctor together for an examination. Don't trust a take-home pregnancy test, they can buy fake ones online. If she's not actually pregnant, she'll admit it before she has to do it in front of a doctor. If she springs this on you after a break-up, there's a chance the baby isn't yours. Insist on a paternity test. Extreme case. Relevant New York Times article: Who Knew I Was Not The Father?
Not that I've acted on it, but when I consider cheating. More telling is if it's not because the other girl is hotter or more sexually available, but simply because she treats me better than a bad girlfriend does. Wow, this girl treats me like I'm a cool guy, not an annoyance. I know it's getting seriously bad when I'm really excited to hang out with the other girl (non-sexually) as much as I dread seeing my girlfriend who I could have sex with.
Girlfriend treats you like a tool, servant, ATM or nuisance. Like with Melissa in the movie The Hangover (link to video). You get all the bills, blame and responsibility--but no respect.
My friends and family hate her for how she treats me. Her own friends and family don't like her.
She frequently accuses you of cheating--when it turns out she was actually cheating.
If she wants to take a "break," see other people, etc. 90 percent of the time, she's already cheating or she at least already has a specific guy in mind. It's already over, but she wants to make an attempt on the other guy and for you to be the safety net if she fails. Respect yourself and don't be someone's Plan B. Be her first choice or nothing.
I realize I'm staying with her out of a fear of being alone, fear of losing sex, fear of hurting her feelings, wrongly believing she's my only option (the really bad girlfriends put that idea in your head) rather than because I like her. Trust me, nothing feels more lonely than being with someone who does not care about you.
Emotional blackmail. Does she threaten to hurt herself or kill herself if you break up with her? Tries to guilt-trip you? Or commit violence against you, your family or friends? Cut contact immediately, let her parents know, possibly call 911 and stay away. If she calls and/or texts you, angry that you told anyone else? The good news is she wasn't serious (this time). The bad news is she's totally unstable and unfit to be a partner. Love isn't about holding you hostage.
If she has a personality or mental disorder (like BPD), be cautious. Does she acknowledge it? Is she getting treatment and therapy? Is she taking medication consistently? Can she function normally? Would it show up in our kids? Would her behavior affect our kids?
Does she lie about you being abusive? Tries to turn your friends and family against you?
If someone were to ask you right now, "Does she make you happy?" and it takes you longer than 3 seconds to answer, that means the real answer is "no."
You used to feel angry and hurt whenever she wronged you. Now you're numb and stopped caring. Building a shell around your heart to avoid the pain. The next time she does something bad, instead of flipping out, you just sigh and think, "Here we go again." And you just feel tired: of the relationship, of her--and of what you've become. Eventually, you hit the point where you think, "I'm done. It's over."
It's been a learning curve. When I was younger, I would stay in way too long trying to fix a fundamentally bad relationship. Fear of being alone (and fear of losing sex, admittedly), fear of hurting the person's feelings, etc. "Quitting" was a dirty word. You can't save a damsel who clings to her distress; you can't rescue her from a dragon she's in love with.
Dating is experimenting for compatibility. Marriage is for commitment. Sounds so stupid obvious, but I didn't act that way for far too long. Tried to act like a perfect husband when the girl just wanted a fun boyfriend.
The compromise I've reached with myself is that relationships are work, but they shouldn't be torture. And she should be equally invested in making you happy too. You can't fix a relationship if she's already checked out. There was that great quote, "You shouldn't have to set yourself on fire to keep the other person warm."
You've got to make sure your needs are being met, too. It should be about two adults bringing out the best in each other and being better as a team than apart.
I'm faster to pull the plug in the beginning now that I can recognize red flags better. Still trying to find that balance, though. You don't want to throw away an overall good relationship over a small trivial issue, but you don't want to over-invest in a sinking ship either.
If this list helps someone, I'll be happy.