Something very similar happened to me (I am the woman). I was absolutely paralyzed with grief, could not function, hated myself, and had nowhere to turn for help. While this was happening my SO at the time was quiet and listened to me, but never really expressed any grief of his own. Over a few months his lack of reaction (despite caring for me etc) led me to believe he didn't care and made me feel so alone and so lonely. I grew resentful of him, thinking that he was happy our baby was gone in my darkest moments, and in the best moments being jealous that he could just go on like normal.

This resentment turned to hatred and eventually the break down of our relationship. On the night we split he had a mental breakdown and only then did I realize that he was also grieving. Unfortunately the damage was done and our relationship was irreparable. Even now as 'friends' I still find that I resent him and he absolutely avoids any mention of our baby. Each of us has moved on but this event keeps us linked together somehow, and not in a good way.

Anyway, there is lots of research on parents who lose children and the effects on the relationship. An overwhelming amount split up because they were unable to recognize or empathize with each other's grief (ie just as you are describing- woman grieves openly, man hides it so as not to upset the woman, everybody grows resentful and a lack of sharing feelings causes them to grow apart. Not always, and not always the case for each gender, but it is a studied phenomenon.)

That said, even when I was feeling better if he had just shown me how he felt we might have had a different outcome. I really believe you should share how you're feeling with your wife. Don't make the assumption that you are dragging her down by sharing or that she is happier not knowing. Just share it with her, you need the support my friend.

As for the rest of it... Therapy helps a lot of people learn the skills needed to cope. You can do this. Good luck and I am so sorry, from the bottom of my heart.