I'm so tired of this. I feel like most of the fat hate on here is projection too. I have a confession to make my fellow brds (can I call you guys that even though I rarely contribute?) I too once used to fat hate. Yes, I was even the asshole who made up stories on /r/fatpeoplestories for karma, entertainment, attention and self esteem boosting.

I know what it's like to be fat. I also know what it's like to be sick for months, headaches all day every single day, dizzy spells, nausea, fatigue, bruising, weakness from starving yourself because it hurts so badly to look in the mirror. I lost weight, and not once have I felt proud of myself for doing so. I feel ashamed. That shit sticks with you for life. I am happy and healthy now, but it took a long god damn time and a lot of misery and pain to get here. Because sometimes when you aren't in a good place, it is too easy to fixate on "what ifs" of your life being better because one tiny variable might change.

But it came to the point where all the bullying made me realize that my hatred towards myself should be directed solely on my weight. And god damn did I. I remember several times crying in my shower, sticking my fingers down my throat while a constant stream of insults went through my head simotaniously about my weight and about how fucking weak I was that I couldn't even force myself to throw up.

I remember setting alarms on my phone with the message "don't eat" that would greet me every single god damn day when I fucking woke up. I remember the fact that I avoided my own god damn gaze because I couldn't stand to see what my body looked like, and yet still obsessing over staring at myself and hating every single inch, curve, bulge, jiggle.

And yeah, I remember submitting stories to /r/fatpeoplestories bitching about fat people that never existed and the insults and word choice I used that eerily mimicked the negative self talk within. It hurts to feel that way about yourself. But here I am now, thin. Am I happy? Fuck no. I'm a god damn mess. Did losing weight make me feel better? Of fucking course not. Did I stop fixating on my weight once I lost what I wanted? Hell to the god damn no. Every single fucking day in painful. I put a single unhealthy thing in my body, let myself indulge for god damn once, give myself a break from the gym for a single second, and all day all I hear in my own thoughts is how fat I am and how much I hate myself.

I used to think losing weight would be the end all of this depression, if anything it worsened it. I went so long without food, I went so long with constantly insults if I ate and you god damn betcha I still continuously insult myself every time that fork reaches my mouth, every time I work out and don't feel like I got enough out of it. Every god damn time I try and be nice to myself, I can't.

Sometimes I smoke to avoid eating, sometimes I do drugs. Sometimes I intentionally avoid a meal if I know I am going to be out and about so that I can go all day without a calorie. And guess what? My negative association and constant insisting that I go days without food has made my appetite nothing. Sometimes eating makes me physically nauseous and I wonder if it's because I've done so much damage or if it's because I so negatively associate eating that it makes me too stressed to enjoy. Is it because I'm sick, I'm always god damn fucking sick Brds. And it hurts so much more to be sick when you are also starving. But I am sick a lot because I did starve myself, and sometimes I still do.

It hurts brds, it really hurts to hate yourself this much. And it fucking infuriates me that yeah, clearly I am to blame, but so is fucking society. Because we have shit like this that is god damn fucking acceptable to say to people. You fucking think fat people don't know they are fat? THEY ARE PAINFULLY AWARE and to all the assholes having to remind us, we never god damn forgot. I can't bear to hear another judgmental word out of people's mouths, because it sticks with you. It sticks with you when you eat, when you work out, when you are sitting around, when you're trying to throw up, when you're working, when you are just fucking trying not to think about food when it's all you can think about.

So yeah, sorry fat people DARED to "steal" Marilyn Monroe from her rightful "thin owners" because hey, maybe she was small but she was one of the first to be somewhat body positive. The point is, when you're fat you will do anything to convince yourself that you aren't. Especially if you are an unstable shit head like myself. The justification is almost worse. You try so hard to find someone telling you it's okay to be who you are, and when you do everyone screams in your face that you have no right to look up to someone who was maybe a bit more comfortable with their weight and their curves than yourself. God damn, sorry for looking for a fucking inspiration. But that's the thing, you will never fucking find an inspiration that a bunch of mouth breathing dick heads haven't tried to take away from you. And for what? AND FOR WHAT? For fucking why? What's the point of telling fat people they have no right to identify with a thin person?

We god damn know we are fat. We know. WE KNOW, okay, Reddit? But becoming not fat, like you so wish everyone was, is not just physical discipline. It's mental too. And if you don't fucking realize saying "just work out," is pretty similar to saying to a depressed person "just be happy," than you're god damn delusional.

Being fat is just as much inner as it is outer, and you god damn hate yourself. God damn do you fucking hate your fucking self. And so you start to hate others. Others who remind you of you, others who make you feel like it will never change. You don't want to see fat people because you don't want to understand that being fat is god damn normal as shit, because society has told you otherwise despite the overwhelming evidence that fat people exist and it's pretty common. You're bitter and angry and you're angry at everyone making you feel like shit and you're angry at yourself for making yourself feel like shit and seeing other people who are fat just reminds you of how fat you are and you feel hopeless and out of control and it becomes other fat people's fault that you feel badly about yourself.

I mean this in the most extreme way possible, however. Clearly this is a personal experience, but man do I see all my toxic thinking pop up on Reddit comment threads every single time a fat person is mentioned. It's bad to be fat, in Reddits eyes, and when you are fat you start to feel bad. Sometimes they are so convincing, you don't see them as the shitty people tearing you down and they make you believe the enemy is yourself and other fat people. It isn't. The enemy is you, Reddit. The hatred you have towards fat people is not their fault, and I'm willing to be you might be a bit chubby yourself to loath something and someone so god damn harmless, so god damn beaten down by fucking magazines and tv shows and media and friends and family already.

Fat people are the bad guys to Reddit. Live and let live is not a right or a privilege if you are fat. To Reddit, you have no god damn right to exist and be fat. And after a while, you start to think that yourself.