Was never married but my last relationship was devastating. I developed a crush on a coworker 1 year ish after the breakup and I was still on therapy. We were very friendly until one day he mentioned he had a partner. I was like OH. I was so embarrassed and filled with dread hoping I didn't get him into trouble but we were never inappropriate. He's been with his person for 15 years but never married.
I think I read somewhere that if you love someone, you don't date them. You be friends with them. It was really slow but we've been friends for 2 years now and we are very good friends. I admire his loyalty to his partner and im at a good point where I accept that he wouldn't be who he is if it weren't for this relationship in his life. We talk about work, mentoring, leading our teams, we spend some lunches or morning/ evening commutes talking about season endings to our favorite shows, scifi, games, the next office potluck. And this isn't even often. We never had done this deliberately. Only when we happen to bump into each other.
The crush never leaves. But I suspect its the pandemic touch starvation. I hoped that knowing him would make it go away. It didn't. but at least it doesnt hurt now. I dont yearn for this person anymore. I am grateful I kept the friendship because his stories about his partner are really admirable. Its like... THIS EXISTS. I have other guy friends too and they help reinforce my idea of loving, available, healthy partners.
I would NEVER admit my feelings. Never will. Because that isn't justice. It isn't fair to everyone. We are very boundaried people with anxiety. I wouldn't throw our worlds into chaos selfishly. But at the same time the more I try to kill the crush it only made it worse. We intuitively sort of just dance around it and have fallen into a very chill not romantic friendship. I am very happy with my life. He is happy in his. Therapy and pursuing my own hobbies and staying away from social media helps me control the overthinking. I started taking myself out on dates. I briefly online dated and found I was still attractive and well liked but no one ever fit what I needed (it wouldve been long distance). Bottom line is I made the crush a very small footnote in my life. And I got it controlled. I'm optimistic about finding my own mister right next time. Actually hit some awesome milestones lately and prefer being alone right now. Will restart dating next year.
So be gentle with yourself. No social media. Dont deliberately make alone plans. Don't check if hes checking your stories. Keep whatsapp very minimal. And keep it to office only hangout as much as possible. Grow your life and make it vibrant. Make this crush such a small bulletpoint in your everyday. And you'll be fine. Thats whats worked in my case at least.