At one point in our relationship, my husband was abusive to me which entailed naming calling.

The name calling always came in the middle of an argument. When that happened, I told him "don't call me names, this conversation is over". Then I'd walk away. Eventually, maybe 3 to 4 occurrences of setting that boundary had to happen before he stopped with the naming calling.

There are patterns in your arguments with your BF. Try to identify them, find alternate solutions and then become self aware so you can implement those solutions when things start to get heated.

For example, most likely at some point during a conversation or debate, things will start to get heated and one or both of you will lose respect for the other, egos flair, the name calling starts. At this point it's about winning your point instead of working together to resolve a problem. Become aware of when the conversation starts to get heated and put a stop to it. Break the cycle. Say "I need a break to calm down", then walk away for 30 minutes or so and then try again.

Changing the dynamics of a relationship is not always one person's responsibility. You can change how you react to him to force him to change how he reacts too.

Having young kids is very stressful. Add in the health issues you had and lack of support, it compounds the problem. No amount of planning, books or forums can prepare partners for the strain a relationship will feel during those early years. Lack of sleep, figuring out how to co-parent, take care of something that can't communicate, adjusting to a new identity... It tries even the best of relationships. If this all started with the kids, it's normal though not acceptable.

Lastly, don't stay with an abusive partner. I did and while it eventually all worked out for the best (the abuse was due to his addiction that he got away from), if I could go back in time, I would have left sooner and permanently. The heartache and stress is not worth it.

Work on the relationship if you think you need to for the sake of the kids or because you love him. And put your heart and soul into making it work. Counseling, work books, whatever. But pick a date. Say 6 months or a year from now. If things haven't improved dramatically and for the best, leave. Provide something better for yourself and your sons.