I’m 26 and my mother recently died of brain cancer. My brother and I talked with my father a week after her death about dating because he brought it up. I was supportive of him dating, as it made sense that he wanted company and excitement and friendship in his life. My brother was aghast that he would bring a topic like that almost immediately after the funeral.

It’s been over a year now, and sometimes when my fathers and I grab burgers we talk about dating. But he was able to refrain from talking about it for at least a year. We would talk about his work, his weekend trips with friends, about movies or events in the news.

I didn’t reject him by asking him not to go into detail about his dating life, I asked him if he would be okay not telling me a bunch about it until I could get over the shock of losing my mother, who was my closest friend and the person who had been my rock my entire life.

My father and I have a better relationship now than we ever did when my mother was alive, partly because both of us try harder. My brother still can’t stand to hear about the dates my goes on, and I can understand that. I don’t tell either of them about my love life, and yet I still manage to have full conversations with them about my life and what I’m doing in it. If your father is jumping into a relationship that is so codependent that she has to be brought up every time you talk with him, that’s not the best thing in the world either. Yes, I’m sure he’s lonely. But sometimes the best way to deal with loneliness is to create a better friend network and learn to enjoy time on your own. I didn’t date for a year after my mom died because I felt like emotions were all over the place and I didn’t want some guy to have to be sweeping up my tears all the time. I’m glad I took that time and went to therapy. Is my life comparable to your father? Of course not. But therapy and friendship is still useful at any stage of life. So people saying you’re somehow selfish and horrible for wanting some space from his dating life could really step back and check themselves, in my opinion.