Also, i would argue in good faith that the husband was probably drunk and thinking it was not a "serious conversation" till after.

to quote OP;

​We had both had a decent amount of wine with dinner (2.5-3 glasses each and we are not frequent drinkers)

I wouldn't take it too seriously sans something else also being at play. People can and do often say things that are complete shit to each other when inebriated and otherwise feeling super comfortable.

OP is likely over analyzing shit(not saying for sure, just guessing) for whatever reason and the hubby is feeling weird about the random bullshit he said on the fly and how she responded. No blame placed.. just saying its an 8 year old relationship with kids and there is likely a shitload of other stuff at play therein. The comments and the wine are just a catalyst for it.

Honestly a lot of people are strangely super-sensitive and prone to all sorts of outright absurd victim playing left and right to meet their individual emotional needs. My wife being Khmer and me being white and European as far as one can go we both make semi racist joke at each other here and there, but we love each other and understand it is all dumb as shit, but... its a jab here and there for sake of a private, but outright inappropriate laugh at both of our expenses.

No relationship is perfect, not playing games and accepting each others faults is a critical thing in all successful ones. I mean really.. is there anyone of any level of maturity who tries to pretend to be outright perfect... let alone measurably so in any relationship? If so, then its likely time to re-assess shit from the ground up.