One of the first things I asked him after we started hanging out was wether he was gay or straight and what that means. I thought he was into girls at first but he told me he was gay. I didn't know what that meant at first lol but yeah that meant he likes other guys. Doesn't like girls though, which I thought was weird. Strictly gay. When we first met I told him i was pansexual. Because well...I kinda am? I'm not really attracted to guy guys, but feminine guys drive me kinda crazy. I'm not proud of it. In fact the thought of gay sex kinda disgusts me. I come from a traditional hispanic family. Not religious at all. But very, very traditional. Raised purely upon principles of toxic masculinity. And he was a feminine guy trying to be a masculine guy but still enjoyed being feminine. It's so hard to explain. Such a unique situation. But I loved that about him. He was the most unique and special person I ever got the chance of meeting.
It kills me. I told myself I loved him so much but i never respected him or trusted him. I got into so many stupid little arguements with him. He told me he was a man because he likes doing guy stuff more and doesnt like girl stuff. Thats all he should have needed to say but I inquired further. He explained that he 'liked the boys toys in his happy meals as a kid over the girls ones', that he 'didnt like sterotypical girl roles in society, but rather likened the boldness and brashness and braveness of men(...which is pretty sterotypical in itself...), and that he wanted to look more manly and muscley than soft and feminine. I regret every discussion we ever had about it. I wish I could take it all back. In all honesty it just made me view him as more innocent and naive than respectful of his opinions. I even helped sign off on his first T shots. I was with him for about 4 months on T and I've only seen 1 picture of him since and that was just the week after he broke up with me and he looked like an entirely different person. Still lovely though.
I blame entirely his abusive mom for him turning out the way he did. But that's just life sometimes. Life is cruel.