What I can take away from this is that is appears that she has no remorse. She's upset, not at what she's done to her family, but that she got caught doing it. Lashing out and trying to turn her family against you instead of trying to bring you in closer to her shows me that she's more concerned with how she will look to the outside world when all of this is done. It seems that she's more concerned about coming out of this ordeal unscathed, when the only real way to show you that she is truly remorseful is to let those closest to you/her/your children know what she has done, apologize for her terrible actions and vow to them (and you) that it is over, she is sorry and she will work as hard as it takes to win all of your love and trust back. You have children together and that means that she is going to have to deal with this thing head on, regardless of the outcome of your personal relationship. She can't go through the rest of her life avoiding your family because your kids obviously won't. So she's going to have to, at some point, take responsibility for her actions and talk to your family. I think what a lot of people here are not mentioning is that the most important thing to consider moving forward is that you can be angry with each other all you want, she can be angry with you for finding out her secret (as unwarranted as it may be), but that anger and hostility can not spill over into the children's lives. It is very important that wether you stay together or you separate you don't make your kids have to deal with adult problems. Be civil to each other when explaining to the children what is happening, and be civil during pick up and drop off times (depending on custody agreements). There is nothing harder on a young child than hearing one parent talk badly of the other. As a child of divorce I can say that it is hard enough on the children when parents split up, but it makes it a lot worse hearing one of your parents tell you negative things about the other. They are going to need both parents to be strong and present for them. You can hate her all you want but put that aside when you are with the children and make them your focus, 100%.