So I'm at my friends house giving her some company, and I guess it's good because I felt like q bit of company too. I'm not lonely. I'm never lonely. But I want company. How much sense does that make?
She's having a little nap so I'm just sitting here redditing. Her daughter came out once and asked if I was okay. People always ask me that. I guess it's just my blank facial expressions. I was feeling happy and relaxed so I smiled (I tried to smile, I'm not good at it) and said I was good.
Then a little while later she just came out and said "you know if you need anything you can just ask." And the. Went back into her room. She's so kind and nice. I don't normally get people or teenagers this nice to me. My friend is a great mum with her kids. When I see them interact and it makes me want to cry. Why wasn't my mum like that? What did I do wrong to make her tell me she hated me so many times? You don't hate somebody for no reason, I must have something wrong with me
Why weren't the kids at school like this? Like my friends daughter is with me? Why were they so nasty to me? I did t talk to them or go near them or do anything to them. Maybe that was being rude. But I was different to them, I didn't want to be. I just was. I don't know why. Or what they were like that for. I wonder all the time what I did, people aren't like that to people for no reason. I must have done something to deserve it.
Now I can't stop thinking about it. I know it was many years ago and I don't dwell on it every day, but it's still burried deep inside the tables of my memory and occasionally the program that is my brain is triggered by something and runs a query that brings it up. I just sometimes wish I could do "DROP TABLE memories;"
Yes I'm posting annoying shit. I want to get it out and my psychologist didn't get back to me on my appointment and it's eating me