Guess what I found in a tab in a minimized window?
Previously
I'm really thankful to everyone who took the time to answer me, give me advice and support internet hug back and Pmed me. i'm sorry i couldn't answer all, but i've read them all. Thanks you for giving me other perspectives. As i decided against calling my bestfriend, your messages were a huge consolation to me who felt so alone, especially after what happened next. I don't know if this constitutes an update as there is still no solution but since my post got locked i can only reach out this way.
He sent me a few texts after the last one telling me he was out looking for me and asking were i had gone. I had finally decided to go home. The last two weeks had been taxing for me and i needed to find some peace, stability and comfort in my own home. I told him i was leaving and that he could stay if he wanted. That wasn't me being passive agressive or understanding but rather done with the whole thing. Things already being this way i didn't wanted him to resent me all his life for ''robbing'' him of his last moment with her, wheter we made it through or not. And that would give me some time alone to calm down as i know i'm the type who could pull the nuclear option just to alliviate my pain if things got too intense.
Just a side note: That ''We" you all highlighted really broke my heart. We were supposed to be the only unit. I hate how this made me question everything. Maybe i got married too young. I also experienced retroactive jealousy which had never happened before. I had accepted the fact that if everything went according to plan i would end up having had only one romantic relationship in my life but now i feel like i missed out on something else. I still don't want anyone else but i'm a mess.
I wanted to believe so bad that he didn't feel anything for her but she was clearly important enough to him that he would risk losing me. Some people mentioned the ''one that got away'' and i really hate this concept. I always told myself i would never be anyone's second best. And now with her death like someone suggested he is just going to live with eternal ''what ifs'' since he clearly puts her needs above mine.
At first he begged me (phone call) not to go home alone, expressed concern as it's a long drive etc... asked me again about my location ( this time i gave it to him) and that he would come here so we can leave together and talk calmly at home. He sounded out of breath and i could hear cars so i guess he was truly out looking for me. He also didn't sound like himself, he apologized a lot and told me he loved me but i was pretty much a wall then. However, I had already started to lean towards forgiving him, if he apologized sincerly for trying to lead me on, for his act, acknowledged the way in which he had destroyed our trust and put our marriage at risk, disregarded my feelings and took full responsability. The conversation didn't last long but i managed to ask him why he had tried to divert me from the truth and he didn't have much of an answer just more apologies, he said the kiss was meaningless which i do not believe. He got upset and said he wouldn't bring me if he planned on cheating or wanted to cheat. Basically he admits he fucked up but is adamant he doesn't have feelings for her anymore. I cut the conversation short after that and told him we should continue when he gets here.
However, after some time he sent me: ''Something came up, i received a text from ex's brother, apparently she is having trouble breathing right now and needs me by her side. I'm heading back to the hospital. I'm so sorry my love, i'll get back to you once it's resolved''. Always the worse timing i see. I told him if he didn't get here within 30 minutes, he should consider getting a lawyer, and turned off my phone. Maybe i made a mistake with the ultimatum but i really needed the reassurance that i was still first to him. I sat there waiting like a fool until the sun went down. He didn't come.
I don't know how long i stayed seated on that bench waiting. When it was clear ( well into the night) he wouldn't come, i finally decided to check in at another hotel. I haven't turned on my phone since then and really don't care about what he has to say. I woke up today feeling really confused, as if everything had just been a bad dream. I just feel emotionally drained. Right now i just don't want to feel anything or deal with anything anymore. I just want to dissapear. I'm going back home this afternoon. Or maybe i'll go to my parents' house which is a 6h drive from here. I don't care anymore, i just want to be left alone. He can stay there all his life if he wants. A part of me is screaming ''maybe he thought her death was imminent" but i'm also tired of making excuses for him. I'm even starting to doubt the ''emergency''. I didnt see her brother when i was there but then again i left early so maybe he came after? I don't want to make assumptions as i don't know her situation in depths but she didn't seem like she would have trouble breathing when i was there. Why is her brother even intervening and reaching out to my husband? How did he get his number? Could he have given it to her as in ''call me if need be?'' with no consideration for me after what happened?
Even if he came back and apologized, i don't think i could get over the pain of being second best to him. I know this is sunk cost fallacy but i'm now wishing they had never broke up and we had never met. I know i'm not acting like an adult right now, wanting to run away again but this whole story just triggered some insecurities in me and i need to protect myself.
TL;DR: Husband had been looking for me and asked to meet again. I wanted to go home without him but got convinced to leave together. We were supposed to meet at the parc but ''something came up'' and i got stood up despite my divorce ultimatum. Just emotionally drained at this point.
Edit: I have decided to stay away from the whole thing. I'm going to my parent's house. I know many have told me to speak with someone but i don't think i will tell them why. My phone will remain turned off. I will call my employer to see if i can get a longer leave when i arrive. Some people have brought up the fact that i'm making things about me in this hard moment and i can kind of see their point. My husband has made his choice and it is to stand by his dying ex. It's something i can understand even though it hurts. I don't know what will happen to our marriage now that there is resentment on both sides but for now i won't interfere with his ex's last moments anymore. For the peace of everyone involved.