I am a young person and for the past few years have been looking in the direction of the non binary identity. I haven't opened up about this with anyone other than a current girlfriend of mine and vaguely talked about it with my grandmother once. (The first time I felt deeply understood was when i had opened up about this with my very spiritual grandmother and she said it sounded like my physical body and "spiritual/ emotional body" didn't align. I would now describe this as my neurological self mapping out a different body than my biological body actually is.) I've done a lot of contemplating over this and who I am seeing as i've heard many times that non binary individuals are often times just cisgender people looking for a way to join the community and feel oppressed OR trans individuals who are still somewhat in denial. I truly cannot resonate with either of these being me due to the gender dysphoria that I experience and have for most of my life. When I have talked about this dysphoria with the one trans person I know, we can deeply relate to one another in our experiences. Mine differ though in a particular way. She is a trans woman and has the classic dysphoria that I always hear or see about. For me, my dysphoria isn't completely desiring to be the opposite sex but I DO have a sense of deep displeasure from my secondary and especially primary sexual characteristics/ crave certain aspects of the opposite sex. I don't fully crave being a man but I have a deep urge to achieve characteristics of both sexes in order to make my body feel aligned with my brain. I wondered for a long time if this was me confusing simple insecurity and dislike for my body with gender dysphoria but no amount of body therapy and self love was able to alleviate my experience, I also actually consider my body to fall in the conventionally attractive category and have often wished I could be "normal" and simply appreciate being good looking. I also often wondered if these feelings were the result of disliking the social boxes I felt put into but in all honesty, I would miserably stay in those boxes forever if I could at least experience the physical body my brain feels it belongs in. I don't see them as correct for me or what i've been assigned but the physical side runs much deeper for me than the societal side. I simply do not feel like I am in the correct body. As a young child, my anatomy frequently had to be explained to me by adults when I didn't seem to grasp that I had a vagina and was stuck with it. I did not want to hear that I could not have a mixture of the two sexual organs. It was especially hard for me to understand that I would never be able to impregnate a woman or have a child in the way that made sense to me. I am deeply terrified of botched surgeries which creates a lot of turmoil for me seeing as there is one particular surgery (this isn't the only but it's the highest priority) I have always felt called to me. So much so that I have hoped to achieve this one day despite my fear, I crave this so strongly that it matters more that my being afraid. A classic hysterectomy. I heard about this at about the age of 6 and have always hoped I would one day be able to afford it and find a doctor willing to do it for me as soon as I get the chance.

I've had points in which I find myself deeply depressed from my physical sex, so intensely that i struggle to even shower and feel/ see a body that my brain feels incorrectly placed in. I spent most of my early childhood and teen years feeling like a freak for the constant fantasizes I had about magically waking up as what I know now would be an intersex person.

I believe that gender dysphoria is, in a sense, an illness. It is something being wrong and failing to align in the body/ mind. At this point, I have started to believe that perhaps there is an entirely different form of dysphoria that could cause the desire for the sexual characteristics of both rather than simply the opposite.

I firmly believe that for someone to identify as anything other than the sex they have been assigned at birth, gender dysphoria should be needed. I worry about using an identity like that if i don't experience real dysphoria but it completely feels like it to me. I would greatly appreciate any input that could possibly clear things up for me or even links for me to check out.