when you self-sabotage, how do you do it? how does it happen? i'm interested to know how this plays out for others.

i think you're right that it's a kind of insecurity, but i'm thrown off because it's not tied directly to how i see myself or my self-esteem. like on paper, i know i'm golden. it's just in the moment, it seems i'm lacking is whatever it takes to convince someone, "i actually want to do this. i'm not just going through the motions." which makes sense, because i'm totally going through the motions.

i guess i could be insecure about getting into a relationship and having it not work out again, but i also kind of know it won't work out, because i don't think relationships "work out." a relationship is a series of sacrifices, conflicts, and compromises you either work at or don't. staying together doesn't mean "it worked," it just means you did stayed together.

maybe the tension is that i go into these situations thinking, "it'd be cool if i meet someone i like to be around and can conceivably have sex with." and i feel like the women i date are still looking for like...a prince charming or something, THE guy they've been waiting for, THE guy with the right looks and the right job and the right smile, and i can be that, but that's also what i'm actively trying NOT to be because i know being someone's prince charming isn't like a realistic thing that lasts. i've been in that situation before (see #1.)

maybe the way i should position it to people is like, i just need a person who's going to commit to an idea about what our life together can be and then be there and try, but then i worry about coming across as a person who is "settling," which is another nonsense dating taboo because every single person who enters a relationship is settling, by the nature of the venture.

and after all this rambling, i think i've figured out how to say it: i'm 32, so why does it seem like women still want the same things from me emotionally and physically that they wanted when i was 16? why do we have to put on this dog and pony show with fake versions of ourselves, just so we can eventually grow to resent each other's real selves? why can't we, from day one, just strip away all the bullshit "romance" and posturing and just see if the parts (physical, life, emotional, etc.) add up? sure, that means you have to foster passion and romance more consciously than you would if you went the other way, but at least it'd be real romance and passion, and not just a pheromone-fueled put-on.