Parents and teachers would like you to believe that cyber-bullying is a crime worse than murder, but I'm here to tell you that ain't fuckin' so. In fact, I'm living fuckin' proof that cyber-bullying is a good thing. Allow me to explain.

You see, I was one of those mid-twenties, fat, neckbeard virgins living in my parents garage a few months ago. I posted a "r8 me" picture of myself on /b/ hoping to get a few compliments about me being such a gentle-sir from the envious b-tards.

That's when the responses came pouring in, telling me to "suck balls" and "drink bleach" and to "go fuck my fedora". Oh, I tell you I raged like no gentle-sir ever should in the presence of their My Little Pony collection. The cocksuckers even called me a "newfag" who "couldn't triforce for shit." My blubber boiled!

Without thinking I picked up my computer screen and threw it down as hard as my flabby arms could muster, accidentally punching myself right in the fucking balls. The corner of the tube monitor clipped me, at full force, right in the cock. I managed to limp into the house where my mother tended to my battle wounds, icing my testicles for me while my dad wept in shame. Fuck him. He knows nothing of the ways of a kind gentle-sir, nor the advanced cyberworld in which I choose to dwell. He's merely envious of me.

The next day my cock had swollen from bruising so much that I thought I might get cast in porn. At long last, the pussy would be mine!

Unfortunately that's not how it works though. Apparently if you're not in good shape (or Ron Fuckin' Jeremy) no one wants to see you naked. Ah, well. At least my bruised schlong looks nice and plump when I shower.

So you see? Cyber-bulling helped me, my cock is larger and I have more self-confidence. Let this be a lesson to all those sensitive little assholes who can't take the heat of the Internet hate machine. And for you chubby bitches, the same theory applies to you too. Instead of punching yourself in the dick, you simply slam your tits in a car door.