My mom went through this to degrees I cannot tell you. Having a lower middle-class kid in a very affluent school district. Being a single mom. Then taking on foster kids who were always the problem kids and never "right". We've done this for our entire lives. But I learned so much watching her. You cannot even imagine.

But the one rule, the basic rule, is come at everyone who has something negative to say with 'fuck you' at the tip of your tongue. You don't say it. You never say it. But be almost about to.

But here's the important part (and I think this is what you're getting at): ask the bigger question. No one says things like this in a vacuum. So what, no--really--what, is it that's bugging you? My mom was frugal but she would happily take me and a friend on semi-expensive (relative to what you think is expensive) weekend trips. No asking the parents to compensate, no expectations that they would, just that she wanted to have a fun a weekend, a friend made it more fun for me, it was negligible in terms of cost, and that's what we were doing. My friend's parents? In the wealthy neighborhood with the expensive houses and the fine parlor furniture? They asked my mom for the three dollar admission cost because they took me swimming at the community center pool. It boggles the mind. Then I found out, years later, they were drowning in debt and had all kinds of problems that my mom and I never knew about. They NEEDED those three dollars. We didn't, even though we "looked" poor.

My mom just handed him a five and told him to keep the change.

Once you realize that everyone is acting out their own psychodrama of insecurities all the time, you are freed from feeling as though you are to blame. There are real times I've had kids that caused real problems, but you know when that's happening. It is clear as daylight. Most of the time you gain more insight from knowing that people's complaints come from their own fears and insecurities. And that's not just about parenting, this is basically every aspect of life. The world is just a giant game of transference and if you clue into that, you'll be the happiest person in the room.