May I have your permission to put the following made-up interview in my zine which I will never publish? Thank you. In advance.
Interview with Paulfo Tompkins
Me: “It’s a great joy to be sitting across from the very funny, Paulfo Tompkins. Hello, sir.”
Paulfo Tompkins: “Wait. What? Paulfo…?”
M:”Is that alright? Would you prefer Mr. Tompkins?”
PT:”I’d prefer to know why you called me Paulfo… Tompkins and not just Paul, F, Tompkins; It being my name and all.”
M:”I’m so sorry. I thought the ‘H’ was silent.”
PT:”The ‘H’? In Paul F?”
M:”No. In Tompkins.”
PT:”There is no ‘H’.”
M:”So it is silent, then.”
PT:”You know what? I guess it is. All of the letters in my name, that are not, in my name, are, in fact, silent.”
M:”Great. Paulfo, I don’t think I’m alone in saying you are a comedian of note. Is that correct?”
PT:”… sigh … I know this is going to be a mistake; But is there any way you could explain the whole ‘Paulfo’ thing to me, because it’s kind of in my head now and I need to know.”
M:”I mean, I kinda wanted to ask about your career and then become your best friend because you always wanted a best friend but only a best friend who would be your best friend by only asking you questions about your career. But instead you want me to explain your name to you…?”
PT:”Sure… Uh huh.”
M:”Um, your name is spelled: P-A-U-L-F-O so I called you Paulfo.”
PT:”My name is Paul F. It’s a first name with middle initial.”
M:”Paulfo doesn’t have a middle initial. It’s an even-numbered name. Wait. Are you going to make me do math? Is this a math trap? You have to tell me if this is a math trap.”
PT:”Math trap…? What? No. Look. My name is: P-A-U-L, space, F, period, space, T-O-M-P-K-I-N-S.”
M:”Oh, I see. Yes. But let’s just say I don’t see; At all.”
PT:”There is no O. So there is no reason to think, say or call anyone Paulfo ever again.”
M:”So there’s no ‘O.’ Are you sure? There’s not a real tiny one right after the ‘F’? I’ve seen it. Bunches.”
PT:”Listen, I know this is hard to hear and I’m sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news but life is difficult and you have to face some tough truths and this is one of those times…”
M: sniffles, tears up
[Background sentimental music from Full House begins to play]
PT:”That little ‘O’ is just a dot. Nothing more, nothing less. Just the way you’re a little dot and not an important person with a brain worth having. I know what you going to say; I’m so sorry Paulfi I should have read up more on how to understand anything worth knowing, but let me stop you right there and tell you that the dot is not a lowercase ‘i’ buried up to its neck and that calling me Paulfi doesn’t solve a damn thing. Because you’re wrong. Wrong about everything your miniscule reptilian brain has ever thought or will think. And you’re dumb. You’re dumb and no one likes you. No one should like you and the more people that dislike you the better off this planet actually is. Please leave me and any other living creature you come across, alone, forever.”
M:”So, can I crash at your house for like a decade?”
PT:” Suuure. I hate myself; Right?”
M: winky emoji