I am now more and more suicidal, in fact I just woke up from a nightmare of myself doing it. (clearly I’m not going to, at least not in near future because I’ve always been terrified of death)

I was abused as a kid, physically and emotionally by my mother every single day. bullied since kindergarten to middle school every single day. somehow I wasn’t suicidal back then, though I was depressed and very anxious.

I only became suicidal after I went to college and became an adult in recent years, after I got away from the abusers and the bullying has stopped happening for years now. I only became suicidal when I discovered that although I have escaped from my abusers, the pain didn’t stop, it’s going to continue to mess up my life. and in fact I am becoming my own abuser, by alternative ways of self harm, self sabotage, and having low self esteem.

In general it’s because we feel trapped and there’s no way out. we see no future, no hope. living has become something that’s extremely difficult to do and death could be the permanent and quick solution. we likely suffer from social isolation as well.