Was my wife's birthday and I took her to Claridges for a very expensive afternoon tea, followed by an afternoon of getting drunk on cider in Regents park in central London. My wife's sister and other family members joined us in the park and I suddenly needed the loo. Not a problem there's toilets in the centre of the park and they're still open so we all start making our way there. However, when we get there they're closing up early and flat out refusing to re-open them. At this stage I could have retained some small amount of self respect by quietly running off and crapping in a bush and saying nothing about it. That's not what I did, instead I thought I could probably make it out of the park but I'd underestimated how big it was. By the time we got to the outskirts I was extremely desperate and the whole group had learned that I very badly needed a shit. Do I risk leaving the relative privacy of an overgrown flowerbed nearby for the chance of finding a pub? What if there isn't a pub and I end up shitting in the street? Fuck what do I do? There's a woman lumbering up for her evening run, I'll never forget the embarrasment I felt knowing she was overhearing the whole thing. "I can't make it, I have to go" I said to my wife. So I dart into the flowerbed and into a bush, managing to get my trousers down with 0.002 second to spare, just sorta sitting with my hands down to lift my arse a few inches up off the floor. Of course I've got 6 cans of strongbow that need to come out as well so piss is flying out down towards my ankles where are boxers and trousers are. My wife is calling me from outside the flowerbed, the stench is rising, the jogger is still there, her sister is offering me spare tights to clean myself with. I want to be anyone else but me right now but thank fuck those £90 cucumber sandwiches and cheap cider are outof my system. I use some foliage to clean up and we leave the park. My boxers are soaked but trousers not too bad and seem to have avoided getting shit on myself. I want to get the tube and head home but my wife persuades me to stay out. We leave the park and right there around the corner is a bar. Typical. Fuck it anyways, I ditch tge boxers behind a pub toilet pipe (sorry) and we say nothing more about it.