I have had very similar struggles with depression and anxiety and I understand not wanting to hurt yourself due to how it will affect those close to you. My question for you is are you living the life that you want to live, or the life that your parents' (someone else) wants you to live? I can tell you from experience that you can succeed while living your life to please others, but success alone will not make you happy.

I would also like to point out that there is nothing wrong with not going to college. If you really feel that college is not the right fit for you and you would rather be doing something else, then go do that something else. Your parents might be pissed and disappointed at first, but that doesn't mean they are going to stop loving you. And if they do, well fuck your parents!

You deserve to be happy and (as cheesy and cliche as it sounds) you do hold the key to your own happiness. Whenever you are questioning how to get the courage to off yourself, instead question how to get the courage to change something in your life that will make you happy.

It might also be a good idea to seek professional help. You could have a serotonin deficiency or something similar that is causing you to feel depressed! I hope any part of this is helpful to you.