That sucks. I remember that well. Drinking and not drinking were both awful. That's what it took for me to stop looking to myself for a solution. AA is a way out and it's been working for almost 84 years for people who do the life-changing work. We end up being people who use sappy-sounding words like "happy, joyous & free". Most alkies are too "smart" for that. I finally figured out that being smarter than happy people is downright stupid. Most of us who do it do so as an absolute last resort after we've failed at managing it on our own. We're the lucky ones. Most alcoholics live regretful, painful, misspent lives and then die an ugly death. It's up to you. Good luck.