You are the abuser. You pulled a knife on your husband, and you physically hit him. To the point that he would have nightmares that you would kill him in his sleep.

None of that is normal or okay. He should have full custody until you've gotten the help you need to understand—and not do—the terrifying behavior that is apparently part of your every day.

We hurt each other deeply he knows how I grew up with police and family fist fights and that’s not how I want my children to be.

You are the one perpetuating this. You have only yourself to blame when a man you pulled a knife on calls the cops because you hit him.

I ruined our relationship, but so did he, yet all the blame is on me.

You literally pulled a knife on your husband, and it sounds like you lied to the courts to get a restraining order and (at least temporary) physical custody of your son.