I don't know if I can say I was the direct cause of his suicide but I was there the night he did it. We'll call him Todd.

I was dating Todd and while this was not the first time he talked about suicide (he was depressed) it was the first time I was genuinely concerned for his life. He was drunk and began talking about how the world would be better without. I managed to talk him down and made a suggestion we go to the ER. He became enraged and threw me into my wall/doorframe. he apologized after and I managed to calm him down from his initial rage . I'll mention now that he was never abusive before this.

After throwing me into the wall and calming down we were sitting and despite my adamant protests he kept drinking. He mentioned wanting to bring a boy over to kill and it was at this point I began to fear for my life.

Todd started on another suicide rant and I had made up my mind at this point that I was no longer safe and needed to call the police but had no way of doing so because Todd was currently violent, paranoid, and much physically stronger than me. I calmed down Todd one more time convincing him to sleep. While laying down trying to get him to lay with me, he took his hand and began playing shooting me in the head. I knocked his hand away and told him to stop quite loudly, he grabbed my hands and shoved them to my chest telling me to scream. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction and he ended letting go and going to sleep.

Once snoring, I went outside and called the cops telling them he was suicidal and violent. They came but the paramedics refused to take him because he was highly intoxicated. The police asked me if I wanted to press charges and this is where I messed up. I didn't want to complicate either of our lives with lawsuits so I decided against it. The cops put him in a cab despite begging them not to because he had guns at home and I knew he would do it when he got home. Cops said they couldn't do anything and sent him home.

Todd called me when he got home, angry and drunk and threatening my life. After yelling for sometime he calmed down and told me he was going to do it. I recover a text about 30 minutes later that was a picture of his son, his parents, me, and a gun. I called the police again and it was confirmed that he shot himself.

I regret not pressing charges that night because while it may not have stopped him from suicide it would have stopped him from doing it that night. The picture he sent me weighs prettily heavily on me and is quick to reduce me to tears when I think of it.