Part 4
I went to the counselling. First lot allowed me to get out a lot of the divorce angst. Felt better, had a bit of a breakdown later, went back to counselling, dicussed my history of problems, without explaining the "I'M AN EVIL, INSANE MONSTER" stuff. Felt better. Had a bit of a breakdown. Went back. Finally talked about it. Understood it. Stop believing I was insane and evil.

But then I felt empty. For so long, I'd kept this thing inside. It had consumed my identity. Who I was as a person was defined by it. It was WHO I WAS. And was gone. It had never been real. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I wanted to do, because for so long I didn't want to think of it, of the cell, the cell or the grave. I'd spent year not having a future. Now it felt like I had neither a future, nor a present. Only a past, a dark, painful past that makes me sound like a whiny angst filled child. I no longer found the idea of someone being attracted to me repulsive, but it still felt completely alien. Unreal. I don't think anyone had ever expressed attraction to me in my life, or if I had, I hadn't noticed it or dismissed it a mocking. I spent three years in that limbo. After that, 2 years pushing trolleys in a car park.

Eventually, I remembered that I enjoyed my counselling. Not just the feeling of getting my problems resolved, but interesting from a detached, intellectual standpoint. I'm currently in my second year of university, studying psychology. I had some difficulties recently, unhappiness related to my past and lack of intimacy, which I try to tell myself I don't care, leading to general apathy. But I'm beginning counselling on-campus next week. Overall, things are pretty good, considering.